Geneva, Switzerland – In a long-rumored but now officially confirmed revelation, the International Monetary Fund (IMF) has admitted that the entire global economy is managed via a single Microsoft Excel file, located on a shared drive labeled “do_not_touch”.
The file, named “final_final_v2_revised_actual.xlsx”, controls everything from GDP forecasts and bond yields to banana futures and Elon Musk’s net worth.
“We were going to switch to a more sophisticated system,” said IMF Chief Data Officer Marie Langlois, “but our macro formulas were too fragile, and the intern who built them in 2006 no longer works here—or anywhere, really.”
A Fragile System Held Together by Conditional Formatting
The spreadsheet reportedly contains:
- 193 tabs, one for each country plus a few mysterious sheets labeled “TEST2” and “DELETE LATER.”
- Nested IF formulas stretching 12 levels deep that no one dares to touch.
- Three pivot tables that crash if opened in anything but Excel 2016.
- A macro named “Run_Economy()” that occasionally freezes the entire file if not executed during a waxing moon.
“We once tried converting it to Google Sheets,” Langlois added. “The global economy shrank by 4.3% before we could even click ‘Import’.”
Accidental Crisis Averted (Barely)
Earlier this year, a junior analyst accidentally sorted Column D without selecting the entire row, instantly wiping out Italy’s GDP, moving Canada into the Middle East, and causing gold prices to plummet.
It took an emergency meeting of the G20 and three hours of frantic Ctrl+Z attempts before order was restored.
“We were one saved-over version away from total collapse,” said one shaken ECB official. “Thank God for AutoRecover.”
Microsoft Responds – Slightly Concerned
When reached for comment, Microsoft’s Excel Product Team expressed both pride and mild panic.
“We built Excel to help accountants balance checkbooks, not to sustain modern capitalism,” admitted Senior Program Manager Ethan Kim. “But honestly, we’re impressed it’s held together this long. Even Clippy would be terrified.”
Rumors suggest Microsoft is developing a “World Economy Mode” for Excel 365, which will include:
- Real-time currency updates
- Automated IMF bailout suggestions
- A macro that simulates a financial panic in under 3 seconds
Wall Street Reacts – Shrugs, Keeps Trading
Despite the shocking revelation, markets responded with their usual mix of confusion and apathy:
- The Dow rose 300 points, as traders assumed this was “probably bullish somehow.”
- Bitcoin spiked 5% after Reddit users suggested “at least it’s not running on Excel.”
- Goldman Sachs announced they will begin backing up all trades in PowerPoint “just to be safe.”
At press time, the IMF’s Excel file was accidentally closed without saving, prompting a race among world leaders to find the most recent backup.
“We think there’s a copy on a USB stick somewhere in Brussels,” said one UN official. “Or maybe it’s attached to a printout inside a filing cabinet labeled ‘miscellaneous’. We’re checking.”
Craving more news? The Fed unveils an ambitious master plan involving eggs, while Canada launches a bizarre revenge campaign against the U.S.
