Washington, D.C. – In a shocking but somehow unsurprising move, Donald Trump has fired Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell and appointed Kanye West as his replacement, citing the rapper’s “unmatched creativity, fresh ideas, and deep experience with numbers, particularly streaming royalties.”
“We need someone bold, someone who’s not afraid to think outside the interest rate box,” Donald Trump announced from the Rose Garden, flanked by Kanye in a MAGA-Fed hybrid cap. “Kanye gets money. He understands vibes. And that’s what our economy needs: vibe-based monetary policy.”
Kanye’s Economic Vision: ‘More Art, Fewer Charts’
In his first statement as Chair of the Federal Reserve, Kanye West outlined a revolutionary plan to:
- Peg interest rates to Grammy Award counts instead of inflation data
- Replace traditional Fed announcements with freestyle raps
- Introduce “Feel Good Fridays” where interest rates are decided by national mood polling
- Redesign U.S. currency to include holographic versions of himself and his best album covers
“The economy is like an album,” Kanye said. “You don’t just measure it by numbers. You measure it by how it makes you feel when you drive with the windows down.”
Wall Street’s Reaction: Bewildered but Somehow Bullish
Markets reacted with their usual blend of confusion and blind optimism:
- Dow Jones spiked 400 points after a rumor that Kanye would introduce a new digital dollar called “YeCoin.”
- Bond yields whipsawed violently after Kanye posted a cryptic message: “Rates finna be FLY.”
- Gold prices surged, as investors instinctively retreated to something they vaguely understood.
One hedge fund manager summed it up:
“We’re all terrified. And yet… it’s Kanye. What if it works?”
White House: ‘Creativity Is the New Stability’
Pressed on whether Kanye had any background in monetary policy, Trump brushed off concerns:
“Powell had experience and look where that got us. Kanye’s experience is vibes, culture, innovation — he once sold a plain white T-shirt for $120. That’s the kind of economic magic we need.”
Sources say future Fed meetings will be rebranded as “Listening Sessions” and will feature weekly Sunday Services hosted on the Federal Reserve lawn.
First Policy Move: The Yeezus Rate Hike
At press time, Kanye had proposed his first policy initiative: a “Yeezus Rate Adjustment”, where the benchmark rate would rise or fall based on the Billboard Hot 100 performance of songs that “speak truth to financial power.”
When asked how he plans to handle inflation, Kanye replied simply:
“We don’t fight inflation. We transcend it.”
And for now, Wall Street — astonishingly — seems willing to roll with it.
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