MENLO PARK, CA – In a desperate bid to restore investor confidence, Mark Zuckerberg has made a bold new promise: he will “stop being weird.”
The announcement sent Meta’s stock soaring 15% in pre-market trading, as analysts speculated that a more human-like Mark Zuckerberg could finally repair the company’s struggling image.
However, just minutes into his first public appearance post-announcement, Zuckerberg attempted a smile—and the effect was so unsettling that Meta’s stock immediately crashed 30%, wiping out billions in market value.
Zuckerberg’s Strategy: ‘Be More Normal’
After years of being compared to a malfunctioning AI, a lizard in a human suit, and a robot learning emotions for the first time, Zuckerberg reportedly hired a team of public relations experts, body language coaches, and neuroscientists to help him appear “less uncanny.”
According to sources inside Meta, the training regimen included:
- Blinking at normal human intervals instead of staring directly into the camera for 30 seconds at a time.
- Practicing hand gestures that don’t make him look like a malfunctioning android.
- Smiling in a way that doesn’t terrify people.
- Refraining from saying phrases like “human connection is my passion” in a monotone voice.
“Investors love innovation,” explained a Meta executive. “And there’s no bigger innovation at Meta right now than making our CEO appear slightly less like an AI that just achieved sentience.”
The Smile That Destroyed a Trillion-Dollar Company
Zuckerberg, visibly nervous but determined to showcase his newfound “humanity,” stepped onto the stage at Meta’s investor conference and flashed a broad, toothy grin.
- Within seconds, Meta’s stock plummeted by 30%.
- Traders on Wall Street panicked, with some describing the event as “more terrifying than the 2008 financial crisis.”
- One hedge fund manager reportedly fainted upon seeing the expression live on CNBC.
- Social media exploded with comparisons, with users posting images of Terminators, deepfake glitches, and “that one weird smile Jeff Bezos does.”
Investors React: ‘Maybe He Should Just Stick to Being Creepy’
As financial chaos unfolded, analysts desperately tried to rationalize what had just happened. Some speculated that investors had subconsciously relied on Zuckerberg’s robotic demeanor as a constant.
“For years, we’ve built our entire investment strategy around the idea that Mark is an awkward, emotionless machine,” said one JPMorgan analyst. “Seeing him attempt to smile completely shattered that foundation. We had no choice but to dump the stock.”
Another trader summed up the problem more bluntly:
“I don’t care what Zuckerberg does, as long as he keeps making money. But that smile? That was a crisis. A market-wide crisis.”
Meta’s Emergency Response: Damage Control Mode Activated
Realizing the catastrophe, Meta’s PR team immediately switched to emergency mode. The following measures were taken:
- All footage of Zuckerberg smiling was wiped from the internet, replaced with AI-generated images of him simply nodding.
- Meta issued a statement clarifying that “Zuckerberg remains committed to being the same awkward, data-driven leader investors have come to trust.”
- Meta’s board reportedly advised Zuckerberg to “stop trying to be relatable” and “stick to whatever he was doing before.”
At press time, Meta’s stock had partially recovered, after Zuckerberg reassured investors in a follow-up video that he would “never attempt human expressions again.”
The video, notably, featured him staring directly into the camera for 40 seconds without blinking.
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