Washington, D.C. – Following shocking allegations that President Donald Trump is secretly a KGB agent, the embattled president has swiftly reacted by doing what he does best: imposing sweeping tariffs. However, rather than targeting steel or electronics this time, Trump announced tariffs on “Truth, Reality, and Logic,” sending Wall Street into immediate confusion and economists scrambling to understand the implications.
“These accusations are FAKE NEWS!” President Donald Trump declared at an emergency press conference. “Very fake, probably the fakest. So today, I’m placing a tremendous, beautiful 500% tariff on Truth and Logic. And Reality—totally overrated, believe me.”
Markets Respond – Mostly With Confusion
Wall Street initially panicked, unsure how to quantify the new tariffs:
- Stocks briefly crashed, recovered, crashed again, and then surged, as traders openly admitted they had no idea what was going on.
- Goldman Sachs issued an emergency briefing, simply titled: “We Give Up.”
- Bitcoin spiked 20%, because, as one trader put it, “at least crypto never pretended to have logic or reality.”
Economists Enter Full Existential Crisis Mode
Leading economists worldwide immediately sank into despair. Nobel Prize winner Paul Krugman was seen wandering aimlessly through Manhattan, muttering:
“How do you tax reality? Is reality even real? Is this real?”
Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell attempted to calm markets, stating:
“We’re committed to maintaining stability—although we have no clue how to handle tariffs on logic.”
White House Clarifies – Makes Everything Worse
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt attempted to clarify Trump’s policy, explaining:
“The president is committed to protecting American truth, which is why we must charge foreign entities who want access to American reality. American logic is the best logic. Imported logic is weak and inefficient.”
When asked to further clarify this statement, Leavitt stared blankly at reporters and quietly exited the briefing room.
Trump’s New Economic Advisor: Vladimir Putin?
In another twist, Trump proudly introduced his newest economic advisor via Zoom call—Russian President Vladimir Putin:
“Vlad here, great guy, very smart. He’s an expert on… economics? Probably. He’s going to help us implement tariffs, big league.”
Putin, appearing stunned himself, simply shrugged on-screen and said, “Da. Sure. Economics.”
The Kremlin Responds – Amused but Supportive
When reached for comment, the Kremlin released a statement:
“We find President Trump’s new tariffs innovative and bold. Russia has operated without truth, reality, and logic for decades, and we warmly welcome America’s entry into this exciting new market.”
Truth in Short Supply, Logic Extinct
At press time, investors were busy trying to secure “Truth Futures,” speculating wildly on what reality might cost next week.
Meanwhile, Trump tweeted victoriously:
“Truth tariffs already working! People saying lots of nice things about me. Nobody can prove otherwise, because reality is now too expensive. Genius move!”
Craving more news? The Fed unveils an ambitious master plan involving eggs, while Canada launches a bizarre revenge campaign against the U.S., using sheer creativity to counter those pesky tariffs.
