TORONTO – In what experts are calling “the pettiest and most effective economic retaliation in history,” Canada has launched a nationwide movement to protest Donald Trump’s policies—not by imposing tariffs or sanctions, but by abusing Amazon’s free return policy at an unprecedented scale.
Dubbed “Operation Return to Sender,” the movement has already cost Amazon billions, overwhelmed warehouses, and left Jeff Bezos completely baffled.
“We considered traditional boycotts, but let’s be real—Canadians love convenience too much to stop shopping on Amazon,” explained one organizer. “So we came up with a better plan: buy everything, return everything, and make America deal with its own logistical nightmare.”
How the Plan Works – A Masterclass in Spite
Canadians have meticulously organized their attack, using Amazon’s own policies against it. The process is simple:
- Step 1: Order massive quantities of American-made products—everything from electronics to “I ♥ USA” t-shirts and Trump bobbleheads.
- Step 2: Wait exactly 29 days (just before Amazon’s 30-day return policy expires), then send everything back.
- Step 3: Repeat the process with different accounts, different addresses, and increasingly ridiculous orders.
One participant proudly shared their biggest “purchase and return” stunt yet:
“I ordered a 75-inch TV, a treadmill, and 500 rolls of American-made toilet paper. All returned. No reason given. Just vibes.”
Another Canadian claimed to have ordered and returned the same toaster oven six times, just to see what would happen.
Amazon’s Logistics System Collapses
Amazon, unprepared for a flood of meaningless returns, has descended into total logistical chaos.
- Warehouses are overflowing with rejected products, creating massive bottlenecks.
- Shipping costs have skyrocketed, as delivery trucks carry millions of items back and forth with no actual sales.
- Amazon’s AI-driven return system has reportedly “become self-aware” and started banning customers at random.
- Some U.S. customers can no longer receive their orders, as Amazon has redirected all resources to processing Canada’s return tsunami.
Jeff Bezos, who stepped away from Amazon’s day-to-day operations years ago, was reportedly so confused by the situation that he called an emergency meeting.
“I don’t understand,” Bezos allegedly said. “I thought Canadians were polite? Why would they do this?”
Amazon tried to fight back by limiting return privileges, but this only made things worse. In response, Canadians started using American friends and family to place orders, creating an endless cycle of cross-border revenge shopping.
Wall Street Reacts – Pure Chaos
As news of Canada’s return-based economic warfare spread, the stock market reacted violently.
- Amazon shares plummeted 12%, as analysts struggled to assign a financial value to “spite-based logistics sabotage.”
- Hedge funds began shorting Amazon stock, with one trader calling the crisis “the most sophisticated form of trolling I’ve ever seen.”
- Walmart briefly overtook Amazon in market value, as it remains the only retailer not being used as a weapon of economic vengeance.
Meanwhile, some U.S. lawmakers panicked, proposing new “anti-return tariffs” on Canada, while others applauded the movement for “finally bringing Bezos to his knees.”
Trump Responds – And Makes It Worse
Unsurprisingly, Donald Trump weighed in on the crisis, posting an ALL-CAPS statement on Truth Social:
“CANADA IS SABOTAGING OUR GREAT AMERICAN COMPANIES!!! SAD!! AMAZON SHOULD BAN ALL CANADIANS FROM SHOPPING IMMEDIATELY!! WE WILL HAVE THE BEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL TRADE WAR!!”
Minutes later, Trump reversed his position, tweeting:
“Actually, I just spoke with Jeff Bezos, and I’ve decided to take full credit for this. THIS IS HOW YOU NEGOTIATE!!! CANADA IS FINALLY PAYING FOR SOMETHING!!!”
Despite Trump’s nonsensical attempt to spin the situation, his comments only encouraged Canadians further, causing another surge in fake Amazon orders.
The Final Outcome – No One Knows What’s Happening Anymore
As of press time, the situation continues to spiral out of control:
- Amazon has begged the Canadian government to intervene, but Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has refused to comment.
- Some Canadians have escalated their tactics, ordering and returning only American flags, MAGA hats, and copies of “The Art of the Deal.”
- Amazon’s customer service department has reportedly collapsed, with one insider claiming “we’ve received more return requests in a month than in the last five years combined.”
Meanwhile, economists are now struggling to determine whether “weaponized returns” will become a viable new tactic in global trade disputes.
“We always assumed economic warfare would involve tariffs and sanctions,” admitted one analyst. “We never considered that a nation would just… mass-return everything out of sheer spite. But honestly? It’s working.”
Craving more news? Meanwhile, Donald Trump seizes control of the church, while Elon Musk unveils a scandalous new Tesla model.
