Washington, D.C. / Beijing – After years of escalating tariffs, economic chest-thumping, and awkward diplomatic silences, the U.S.–China trade war has officially come to an end. The agreement, described by Donald Trump as “historic, tremendous, just beautiful,” grants China the right to keep all existing tariffs, while the U.S. receives a friendship bracelet and a firm handshake.
“We got a great deal, folks,” Donald Trump told reporters while holding up the beaded bracelet, which spells out “TRADEZ4EVER” in alternating red and blue letters. “It’s a symbol of mutual respect. And it’s adjustable. Not many people know that.”
Details of the “Deal”
The agreement was signed in a low-profile ceremony held at an undisclosed location near a Panda Express. According to documents later released by the White House (and promptly corrected by China), the terms are as follows:
- China retains all 125% retaliatory tariffs on U.S. exports
- U.S. agrees to phase out its own tariffs “whenever it feels like it”
- Both sides commit to sending holiday cards, no matter what happens next
- Bonus clause: China gifts the U.S. an honorary plush panda and a copy of Sun Tzu’s The Art of Trade Capitulation
White House officials praised the outcome, calling it “a brilliant exercise in economic diplomacy and accessory exchange.”
Trump: “This Was the Plan All Along”
Responding to questions about the lack of actual concessions from China, Trump doubled down on the bracelet’s symbolic power.
“Do you see this? It has a little heart bead. That means something. Biden never got a bracelet. Obama never even got a slap bracelet. Total losers.”
When asked if the handshake at least included a commitment to remove export restrictions, Trump replied:
“No, but Xi smiled. For a second. That’s as good as a treaty in my book.”
Markets React with Existential Confusion
Wall Street’s reaction was… mixed:
- The Dow dropped 500 points, then rebounded after a rumor that the bracelet might contain rare earth metals.
- Soybean futures collapsed, rebounded, then collapsed again after someone pointed out that pandas don’t eat soybeans.
- Apple stock held steady, as investors concluded they had stopped caring several tariffs ago.
China Reacts: Politely Triumphant
Chinese state media reported the deal with a single line:
“China appreciates America’s gesture of cultural humility.”
Unofficially, one diplomat was overheard laughing quietly while browsing bracelets on Etsy.
Next Steps: Matching Necklaces, Possibly a Sleepover
According to White House insiders, Trump is considering proposing “a second phase deal” that could include matching necklace halves, a joint TikTok dance, or an invite to the Mar-a-Lago Friendship Summit.
“This isn’t just trade,” Trump said. “It’s healing. And maybe, one day, karaoke.”
Craving more news? Trump demands a free Canadian hockey team in response to a boycott, while Apple CEO refuses to say where iPhones are now made.
