WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking display of economic “brilliance,” Donald Trump has announced that the United States will impose a 35% tariff on all Ukrainian exports—as a reward for their bravery in the war against Russia. Trump described the move as “a tremendous honor” and insisted that Ukraine “should be very grateful.”
“People don’t understand how tariffs work. They’re like a tax, but not really, because they make you richer. Ask China! They loved my tariffs! Ukraine is gonna be so strong because of this, it’s beautiful. Nobody rewards their allies like I do!” Donald Trump explained during a highly erratic press conference.
Trump Calls Zelensky to Explain Why Tariffs Are ‘Good for Him’
Shortly after making the announcement, Trump personally called President Volodymyr Zelensky to explain the “incredible benefits” of the tariffs.
“Volodymyr, my friend, I’m giving you something very special today,” Trump said, while chewing on a McDonald’s fish sandwich. “It’s called tariffs. Do you know what tariffs are? They’re like a business loan, but instead of borrowing money, you just make more of it. It’s tremendous.”
Zelensky, already exhausted, tried to interject:
“Mr. President, with all due respect, I don’t think tariffs actually—”
“No, no, listen. Listen. You don’t get it. Tariffs are like stocks. The more you have, the richer you get. It’s like magic! Some people say tariffs hurt the economy, but those people? Losers. You know who else said tariffs were bad? Sleepy Joe. And look at his economy! A disaster!”
At this point, Trump switched topics entirely, asking Zelensky:
“By the way, how’s that war thing going? I heard you guys are doing great. You’re welcome, by the way.”
Ukraine Reacts – Confusion, Rage, and a Slight Desire to Scream
Following the call, Zelensky convened an emergency economic meeting to determine whether Ukraine had just been sanctioned or rewarded.
- “Does he think tariffs are a form of aid?” one advisor asked.
- “I think he believes tariffs are like free money?” another guessed.
- “Should we just say thank you and pretend this never happened?” suggested a third.
Meanwhile, the Ukrainian parliament briefly considered issuing its own retaliatory tariffs against the U.S., before realizing that Trump would probably just take that as a compliment.
“We could try explaining basic economics to him,” said one minister. “But let’s be honest—there’s no point.”
Wall Street Reacts – Chaos, But Somehow a Market Rally?
Despite the obvious economic disaster, Wall Street did what Wall Street does best: ignore reality and rally anyway.
- Amazon stock surged 15%, because investors assumed “more tariffs = more people panic-buying useless stuff.”
- Goldman Sachs issued a report stating that “Trump is just making up numbers now,” but advised clients to “buy the dip anyway.”
- Bitcoin inexplicably jumped 300%, because “something, something, inflation.”
- Jim Cramer went on CNBC, first calling the tariffs “brilliant,” then reversing his stance five minutes later.
International Reactions – Mostly Laughter and Fear
Governments worldwide scrambled to make sense of Trump’s latest move.
- The EU called an emergency meeting, then immediately gave up and went for drinks instead.
- China laughed hysterically, as state media openly mocked America for “attacking its own allies.”
- Russia briefly celebrated, before realizing that Trump still doesn’t like them either.
- Canada responded by announcing that they will start returning all American imports to Amazon
Final Outcome – Trump Declares It a ‘Perfect Deal’
At press time, Trump was seen on Truth Social, posting:
“GREAT SUCCESS! Ukraine is going to be SO strong now, thanks to me. They LOVE tariffs! The FAKE NEWS won’t tell you this, but Zelensky called me and said, ‘Sir, this is the best gift we have ever received!’ You’re welcome!!”
Meanwhile, Ukraine was reportedly in talks with Elon Musk to see if they could just relocate their entire economy to Mars and avoid dealing with Earth altogether.
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