BEIJING – In a stunning corporate takeover that has left Hollywood executives hyperventilating into their oat milk lattes, China has officially purchased The Walt Disney Company. Effective immediately, all Marvel, Star Wars, and Pixar films will be “restructured” to better align with Beijing’s vision of the future. Among the first major changes: Captain America has been rebranded as “Captain Zhongguo,” The Avengers are now “The Harmonious Collective,” and all future Star Wars movies will take place exclusively in Shanghai.
The move is widely seen as China’s ultimate revenge against U.S. tariffs, proving that while America can tax Chinese imports, China can rewrite American culture itself.
“From Now On, The MCU Stands for ‘Mandarin Cinematic Universe’”
At a press conference celebrating the acquisition, Disney’s new Supreme Content Officer, Comrade Zhang Wei, assured the public that the transition would be seamless.
“Our goal is not to erase American stories, but to improve them,” Zhang stated. “For example, why does Captain America have to be… American? Is that really necessary?”
Zhang then revealed the new character lineup for Marvel’s Phase 5, which includes:
- Captain Zhongguo – Defender of the One True Market, wielding an indestructible steel shield made in Shenzhen.
- Iron Rice Bowl Man – A hero whose wealth redistribution powers ensure that every citizen gets their fair share – except the villain, Elon Musk.
- The Incredible Panda – A gamma-radiated panda who smashes imperialist propaganda with every paw swipe.
- Thor, but He Works in a Factory Now – Still has a hammer, but only uses it for patriotic industrial labor.
Meanwhile, the entire “Wakanda Forever” franchise has been renamed “Xi Jinping Forever,” and Spider-Man will no longer be “Far From Home” – because now he’s permanently based in Beijing.
Hollywood Reacts: Mass Hysteria and 24-Hour Crisis Meetings
The deal has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry, with top executives scrambling to comply with their new Chinese overlords.
- Marvel writers are in emergency meetings, trying to retcon Captain America’s past so that he was “always a huge fan of Chinese manufacturing.”
- Star Wars has already canceled all upcoming movies, announcing instead that “The Force is now only available in government-approved training centers.”
- Fast & Furious 11, originally set in Los Angeles, has now been moved to the Great Wall of China, with Vin Diesel stating, “It’s about family. And also, strategic international partnerships.”
Even Mickey Mouse has undergone an immediate redesign, now appearing in traditional Chinese attire while singing the new official Disney anthem, “M-I-C-K-E-Y P-A-R-T-Y.”
Trump’s Response: Confusion, Denial, and an Attempt to Buy Nickelodeon
Upon hearing that Disney was now “technically a Chinese state-owned enterprise,” President Donald Trump initially dismissed the news as fake, insisting that “Mickey would never betray me.”
However, after realizing that all future Disney theme parks will only be in China, Trump reportedly exploded into a fit of rage. Sources inside the White House claim he is now considering nationalizing Nickelodeon to create a “patriotic cartoon alternative.”
“We’re gonna make SpongeBob great again,” Trump declared. “And Dora the Explorer? Gone. We don’t need explorers. We need patriots.”
Meanwhile, Fox News is reporting that Disney is now part of a “massive Chinese plot to turn America into a giant panda reserve.”
China’s Next Moves: World Domination Through Cinema
With Disney now fully under its control, China has already hinted at further acquisitions, including:
- Netflix, which will be rebranded as “Redflix”, featuring 24/7 government-approved documentaries.
- Warner Bros., but only to erase all Batman films, because “we already have enough billionaires in capes.”
- The Oscars, which will now be held exclusively in Beijing and feature only one category: “Best Patriotic Achievement.”
As the American entertainment industry descends into chaos, one thing is clear: China has pulled off the ultimate revenge against U.S. tariffs – by literally buying American pop culture and rewriting history.
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