Washington, D.C. – Wall Street is in turmoil after analysts discovered an unsettling pattern: every time President Donald Trump visits the restroom, a new set of tariffs is announced. This has led to growing concerns among traders, economists, and White House staff—while China is reportedly considering an unusual countermeasure: blocking U.S. plumbing exports to slow down Trump’s tariff production.
The ‘Bathroom Tariff Theory’ – A Market Phenomenon
Financial analysts have been tracking Trump’s “policy production cycles” for weeks and have now confirmed what many suspected:
“Every major tariff announcement since Trump’s return to office has been posted on Truth Social within three minutes of him entering the restroom,” said one Wall Street strategist. “We initially thought it was a coincidence, but then the frequency increased… and now we’re in full crisis mode.”
Among the latest tariffs announced from the White House bathroom:
- A 25% tariff on French cheese, which Donald Trump described as “too smelly, too soft, too expensive.”
- A 40% tariff on Canadian maple syrup, justified by “America makes the best syrup, just nobody talks about it!”
- A ‘tremendous’ new tax on German-made toilets, after Trump reportedly struggled with a flush and declared, “These are weak, pathetic, failing toilets. We need American toilets. Stronger, bigger flushes.”
White House Staff Develop ‘Bathroom Risk Alerts’
With markets now tied directly to Trump’s restroom visits, White House officials have begun implementing real-time risk alerts to warn traders.
“As soon as the president grabs his phone and heads to the bathroom, we send out an internal ‘High Alert’ notification,” one staffer revealed. “If he’s in there longer than five minutes, we brace for a global trade shock.”
The Treasury Department has even introduced a live feed titled “Trump’s Restroom Indicators,” which financial analysts now monitor alongside stock tickers and bond yields.
China Considers ‘Strategic Plumbing Blockade’
China has reportedly identified Trump’s plumbing as the weak link in U.S. economic policy and is now weighing export restrictions on high-efficiency American toilets, pipes, and plumbing components to slow the frequency of Trump’s tariff announcements.
“If the White House pipes slow down, so do the tariffs,” one Chinese trade official explained. “It’s basic economics.”
Beijing is also considering adding a 50% tariff on American-made toilet paper, in what experts are calling “a direct counterstrike on Trump’s thought process.”
Wall Street’s Response – Total Panic
Traders have been left scrambling as they attempt to predict Trump’s next trip to the restroom and hedge against his next tariff decision.
- Gold prices spiked after Trump’s post-lunch restroom visit resulted in a tariff on Chinese electronics.
- The Dow briefly crashed when Trump spent an unusually long time in the restroom, suggesting multiple tariffs were in the works.
- Toilet manufacturers surged in value, as investors speculated that White House plumbing might soon be upgraded to “slower-flow” models to limit economic disruptions.
“We’ve abandoned traditional market analysis,” admitted one hedge fund manager. “Now we just track what Trump eats, how much Diet Coke he drinks, and how long he spends in the restroom. That’s the economy now.”
No One Is Safe
At press time, Trump was seen heading to the restroom with his phone, prompting emergency alerts across the financial sector.
Meanwhile, China’s state media issued a warning:
“America should tread carefully. If the tariffs continue, China will have no choice but to restrict plumbing exports. We are prepared to take this fight to the pipes.”
Trump, unfazed, quickly responded on Truth Social:
“CHINA WON’T STOP ME! I HAVE THE BEST TOILETS, THE BIGGEST FLUSHES! TARIFFS COMING SOON! SAD!!!”
Craving more news? Meanwhile, Donald Trump seizes control of the church, while Elon Musk unveils a scandalous new Tesla model.
