Washington, D.C. – After a disappointing presidential campaign that ended in defeat to Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris have announced their latest venture: “Almost Presidents Consulting,” a groundbreaking firm dedicated to teaching politicians how to skillfully come in second place.
The consulting firm, which proudly advertises itself as the “world’s first service for almost-successful candidates,” promises clients insider tips on how to achieve “close-but-no-cigar” status in elections nationwide.
A Unique Approach: Teaching Candidates the Art of Losing by a Little
Joe Biden enthusiastically explained the company’s vision at their first press conference:
“Look folks, anyone can win or lose big. But losing by a small margin—now that’s a real skill. We’re experts in running strong campaigns, raising millions, dominating polls…and then just barely losing in the end. It’s a unique niche!”
Kamala Harris agreed, laughing warmly as always:
“Exactly! Being president sounds exhausting anyway. This way, you get all the recognition, book deals, and podcast invites, but none of the responsibility.”
Services Offered by ‘Almost Presidents Consulting’:
- Personalized advice on crafting “powerfully vague” campaign slogans.
- Workshops titled “How to Win the Popular Vote and Still Lose the Election.”
- Coaching sessions on politely conceding defeat while still implying you were robbed.
- Masterclasses on delivering uplifting, optimistic concession speeches without actually admitting defeat.
Client List Growing Rapidly
Surprisingly, business is booming. Among their early clients are several familiar names:
- Hillary Clinton, who jokingly referred to herself as a “lifelong subscriber to their philosophy.”
- Mitt Romney, praised by Biden as “the master of dignified losses.”
- Al Gore, brought in as a special guest lecturer to teach his famed seminar: “Winning the Election but Losing Anyway – How to Handle It Gracefully.”
Trump’s Reaction – Predictably Unhelpful
President Donald Trump immediately mocked the venture on Truth Social, posting:
“Biden & Harris launching a LOSER company! They’re teaching people to lose, SAD! I don’t even know what losing is!”
Trump later added in a follow-up post:
“Never been second place. Ever. Biden is second place, Harris third, maybe fourth. Who knows? LOSERS!”
Harris, when asked about Trump’s comments, laughed again and responded:
“Well, as an expert in losing gracefully, I can confirm President Trump has no experience in that.”
Market Reaction: Surprisingly Positive
Wall Street, as usual, was puzzled but delighted:
- Investors poured millions into related startups, including “Almost Unicorn Ventures,” which specializes in companies that nearly reached billion-dollar valuations but failed spectacularly.
- CNN launched a weekly segment called “Almost Famous,” highlighting politicians who almost won office.
- Biden and Harris immediately landed a lucrative Netflix deal for their documentary series, “Coming in Second: An American Tradition.”
A Victory for Losing
At press time, Biden cheerfully summarized their philosophy:
“America loves winners, sure. But let’s be honest—we all secretly relate to the folks who almost made it. And hey, coming in second place is a lot better than falling off your bike in front of reporters… again.”
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