BRUSSELS / WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a dramatic escalation of global trade tensions, the European Union has announced an unprecedented countermeasure against President Donald Trump’s latest wave of tariffs: an immediate ban on all Slovenian women entering or residing in the United States.
The policy, officially labeled as the “Strategic Deportation Directive,” is meant to retaliate against Trump’s aggressive steel tariffs, but in an unforeseen twist, also affects First Lady Melania Trump, the most famous Slovenian export currently residing in America.
Trump’s Initial Reaction: ‘Wait, Slovenia is in Europe?’
Sources inside the White House report that Donald Trump was initially confused by the move, struggling to locate Slovenia on a map before realizing the ban applied to his own wife.
“Okay, okay. I get it, trade wars, tariffs, all very complicated. But Slovenia? I love Slovenia. Slovenia is beautiful. Great country, great women. Especially one of them.”
Upon being informed that Melania would be forced to return to her home country, Trump reportedly paused for an uncomfortably long time before whispering, ‘Wait… so she has to leave?’”
Trump Discovers Emotions – And Has No Idea What’s Happening
For what experts believe to be the first time in his life, Donald Trump experienced an emotional response to another human being.
- He was seen staring out of the Oval Office window, mumbling, “I feel… something. But what is it?”
- Aides reported he attempted to describe the sensation as “like when a deal falls through, but in my chest.”
- At one point, he allegedly asked a staffer, “Is this… love?” before immediately shaking his head and calling it “Fake News.”
One White House insider stated:
“It’s surreal. We thought he was incapable of actual feelings. This could change everything—or nothing, depending on how long it takes him to get bored and move on.”
Melania’s Response: Torn Between Freedom and Obligation
Melania Trump, meanwhile, has remained diplomatic but noticeably evasive in her public statements.
At a hastily arranged press conference, she offered the following statement:
“It is, how you say… very unfortunate situation. Very sad. I will, of course, respect the decision. But, you know… sometimes we must accept… fate?”
When pressed further, she did not confirm or deny whether she actually wanted to leave, simply offering a vague smile and a slow nod.
Reporters noted that her staff has been seen quietly packing personal belongings, and that she recently “accidentally” liked a Twitter post about Slovenia’s excellent spa resorts.
Trump’s Last-Ditch Effort to Keep Melania – A National Emergency?
As panic set in, Trump reportedly considered multiple emergency actions to keep Melania in the U.S., including:
- Declaring a national emergency and reclassifying Melania as a “strategic national asset.”
- Offering to trade Slovenia to the EU in exchange for Melania’s residency rights.
- Demanding that Congress immediately pass a “Melania-Only Immigration Exemption.”
One legal expert commented:
“The man literally tried to negotiate a trade deal for his wife. This is both historically unprecedented and completely on brand.”
Trump’s Ultimate Response – Tariffs on Love Itself
After failing to reverse the EU’s decision, Trump reacted the only way he knew how: more tariffs.
Declaring that “if I can’t have romance, nobody can,” the White House introduced a 300 percent tariff on all romantic goods and services, including:
- Red roses
- Belgian chocolates
- French perfumes
- Italian wine
- Romantic comedies starring Ryan Gosling
Trump defended the measure in a late-night press conference:
“They want to take Melania? Fine. But love? No. We’re taxing love. No more date nights, no more chocolates, no more roses. America is closed for romance!”
Economists have warned that this could plunge the greeting card and flower industries into immediate recession. Meanwhile, wedding planners are already filing for bankruptcy in anticipation of a total collapse in the marriage sector.
America Braces for a Loveless Future
As of press time, Melania’s one-way ticket to Ljubljana remains unused, while Donald Trump has locked himself in the White House residence, reportedly “watching The Notebook and muttering, ‘I don’t get it.’”
Meanwhile, Valentine’s Day has been declared a “restricted holiday” under the new tariff regime, with federal penalties for public displays of affection now under discussion.
In an ironic twist, critics have pointed out that this may be Trump’s most effective policy yet—because for the first time in history, he has finally managed to unite single people and married couples in mutual suffering.
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