WILMINGTON, DE – In what was meant to be a landmark moment for his post-presidential career, Joe Biden proudly introduced his brand-new business venture at a press event yesterday. However, the celebration took an awkward turn when, moments after unveiling the company’s name, Biden turned to his advisors and asked, “Wait, who started this thing?”
The company, “Biden & Sons – A Family Business, Probably,” was announced as a “groundbreaking innovation in… well, something,” though neither Biden nor his staff seemed entirely sure what the company actually does.
“Folks, this is an exciting day,” Biden said enthusiastically, before glancing at the teleprompter and squinting. “We’re gonna, uh… bring jobs, make things, do business – the American way. That’s what this great company, uh… what’s it called again?”
An aide quickly whispered the name in his ear, prompting Biden to nod and exclaim, “Right! Biden & Sons. We’re gonna do some terrific… stuff. It’s gonna be big, folks.”
The Business Model: A Mystery to Everyone – Including Biden
According to company filings, Biden & Sons has no defined business focus, no official headquarters, and an unclear leadership structure.
When asked what the company actually does, Biden gave a variety of responses over the course of the event, including:
- “It’s about bringing back good union jobs.”
- “We’re investing in clean energy. Or maybe bridges. Something with infrastructure.”
- “We’re gonna fix the economy. Or at least parts of it.”
- “Corn Pop would have loved this place.”
A spokesperson later clarified that Biden & Sons “is still in the early stages of deciding what it actually sells.” Reports indicate executives are currently exploring industries ranging from battery-powered Amtrak trains to pre-scooped ice cream cups for seniors.
Biden Struggles to Find the Office – Staff Pretends This Is Normal
Despite being the company’s founder, Biden has reportedly had difficulty finding the business’s office – a problem that has forced employees to keep relocating it to places he already visits.
- Originally based in Wilmington, the office was moved to an Amtrak station when staff realized Biden kept showing up there instead.
- Later, the headquarters was moved inside an ice cream shop after Biden repeatedly mistook it for a staff meeting location.
- Eventually, executives rented space inside the White House, hoping Biden might accidentally walk in and start running the company.
“Look, he’s busy. He’s got a lot going on,” said an unnamed employee. “Technically, yes, he founded the company, but let’s be honest – we’re just kind of figuring things out on our own.”
Wall Street Investors Confused – But They Invest Anyway
Despite the lack of any clear business model, Biden & Sons has already raised over $500 million in venture capital, mostly because investors assumed it must be important if the former president is involved.
- “The market doesn’t care about details,” said one hedge fund manager. “If a famous person starts a company, we buy the stock. It’s really that simple.”
- Amazon briefly considered acquiring Biden & Sons, believing it to be a logistics company, before realizing it had no employees and no revenue.
- Elon Musk called the company “highly promising,” then backtracked 30 minutes later and tweeted, “Actually, this looks like a disaster.”
Final Outcome: Biden Leaves the Event – Still Unsure What He Launched
After an hour of press questions, Biden left the event without answering whether he planned to run the company full-time. Before stepping into his motorcade, reporters overheard him ask an aide, “Wait, what was all that about?”
At press time, Biden & Sons executives were reportedly considering renaming the company to something easier for their founder to remember, with top contenders including:
- “Joe’s Place”
- “Union Thing”
- “Corn Pop Industries”
- “The White House” (strictly for location convenience)
Meanwhile, insiders say Biden has already forgotten about the launch and was last seen asking staff why he wasn’t served ice cream at the press event.
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