WASHINGTON, D.C. – After years of warning that TikTok poses a “severe national security threat,” the White House has officially reversed its stance – but only under one condition: the U.S. must own it.
According to officials, the wildly popular app, which was previously considered a Trojan horse for Chinese influence, will magically become safe and patriotic the moment it is acquired by an American company or, ideally, the federal government itself.
“For years, we’ve warned the American people about the dangers of TikTok spying on their personal data,” said a senior White House advisor. “But if we own TikTok, that means we’re the ones collecting the data. And that’s completely different.”
Step One: Ban TikTok – Step Two: Buy It
The U.S. government’s plan appears to follow a two-step process:
- Scare the public into believing TikTok is a national security risk
- Take control of the app and use it for… something
“Right now, China could be using TikTok to manipulate our youth,” said a government spokesperson. “But if America takes control, we can use it to teach real values – like capitalism, military recruitment, and buying things you don’t need.”
Experts Confused: If It’s a Threat, Why Buy It?
Many political analysts and tech experts are puzzled by the logic of the plan.
“If TikTok is such a national security risk, shouldn’t the goal be to shut it down completely?” asked one confused cybersecurity specialist.
“No, no, no,” clarified a White House official. “We don’t want to destroy it. We just want to control it. Think of it like oil. Or the internet. Or democracy.”
When pressed for details on how American ownership would eliminate the so-called security risks, the official responded:
“Look, we’re not going to pretend we understand technology. But we do understand money. And there’s a lot of it in TikTok. And that’s a risk we’re willing to take.”
U.S. Companies Line Up to Buy TikTok – Chaos Ensues
As soon as news broke that the White House was pushing for a forced sale, major U.S. corporations started fighting over the chance to own TikTok.
Potential buyers include:
- Meta (Facebook) – Promises to make TikTok less interesting, more annoying, and full of ads
- Amazon – Plans to turn TikTok into a 24/7 shopping platform where users can only post videos if they’re selling something
- Fox News – Would rename the app “PatriotTok” and replace every dance trend with history lessons about Ronald Reagan
- Elon Musk – Wants to acquire TikTok “just to make people mad”
- U.S. Government – Considering nationalizing TikTok but running it like the DMV
Meanwhile, China has warned the U.S. not to go through with the forced sale, calling it “modern piracy.” But White House officials responded:
“Piracy? No, no. It’s called freedom acquisition when we do it.”
What Happens If the U.S. Actually Buys TikTok?
If an American company or the government itself takes control, several major changes are expected:
- All videos will now start with the national anthem
- New “Freedom Mode” replaces all foreign content with stock market tips and American football highlights
- Users can choose their “data collection sponsor” – NSA, FBI, or the IRS
- A mandatory “Buy American” filter auto-censors any video that mentions Chinese brands
- Instead of banning TikTok, Congress might just start using it to campaign
At press time, TikTok’s Chinese parent company ByteDance was seen desperately trying to figure out how to sell the app to an American buyer… without completely losing control.
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