Washington, D.C. – In a stunning moment of bureaucratic clarity, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has officially declared itself to be the largest source of wasteful federal spending, and has taken the noble step of submitting its resignation to itself.
The decision followed what was meant to be a routine internal audit—until a junior analyst accidentally hit Ctrl+Shift+Reality and uncovered a devastating truth.
“We ran the numbers six times,” said one shaken data officer. “Each time, the result was the same: DOGE exists solely to justify its own existence. And even that wasn’t profitable.”
The Waste Was Coming From Inside the House
A 418-page report titled “Efficiency Through Redundancy: A Month of DOGE” revealed that the agency had spent over $26.4 billion in just five weeks—most of it on initiatives that either duplicated existing efforts, created problems they were supposed to solve, or simply made no sense in any fiscal dimension.
Among the more innovative forms of waste:
- $3.2 million developing a mobile app to submit paper forms
- $6.9 million on ergonomic chairs for a fully remote workforce
- $1.8 million on team-building retreats held simultaneously on three continents
- $12 million to study whether government programs are more effective when renamed “initiatives”
- $2.5 million for a holographic assistant to explain the agency’s org chart—available in English, Esperanto, and “executive tone”
- $350,000 annually to maintain the DOGE YouTube channel, which averages 11 views per video (mostly from interns)
- $1.1 million per year for “strategic buzzword calibration” services from a boutique consultancy in Santa Monica
Perhaps most revealing: DOGE once awarded a $5 million grant to itself to study whether awarding grants to itself was a conflict of interest. The study concluded: “Possibly.”
Elon Musk Responds: First Defiant, Then… Something Else
As DOGE’s Director-in-Chief, Elon Musk initially tried to defend the agency’s record.
“Look, DOGE was experimental by nature. You need to break a few federal budgets to innovate,” Musk told reporters outside the agency’s $87 million “Pop-Up Efficiency Pavilion,” which was dismantled last week after failing a wind test.
He went on to praise DOGE’s “disruptive procurement models,” and “hyper-agile redundancy strategy,” insisting that the agency’s real success was “cultural.”
But moments later, holding a copy of the audit in one hand and a half-eaten protein bar in the other, Musk sighed.
“Okay. I admit it. We might’ve accidentally created the most expensive hamster wheel in government history,” he said. “Technically speaking, shutting DOGE down is… actually the most efficient thing DOGE has ever done.”
He then announced that he would be stepping down immediately. “I’m resigning before I can promote myself again,” Musk said. “It’s the only way to stop me.”
The Final Act: A Farewell Party Worthy of Its Legacy
Before officially dissolving, DOGE hosted one final event: the Farewell to Inefficiency Gala, held at a private Napa Valley resort, attended by 1,200 staff, contractors, consultants, “strategic futurists,” and a keynote hologram of DOGE’s mission statement rotating in 3D.
The $7.8 million event included:
- Imported caviar from a country no one could locate on a map
- A $4 million light show spelling “Impact” onto a nearby mountain
- Gift bags containing DOGE-branded scarves, Bluetooth-enabled stress balls, and a limited-edition signed photo of a spreadsheet
- A closing toast delivered by three MCs in overlapping PowerPoint decks
When asked why they didn’t cancel the gala to save money, one official replied, “Because that would’ve made sense. And sense isn’t really our brand.”
The Final Memo
DOGE’s last internal memo was sent just minutes before the agency’s systems went offline. It read:
“After careful review, we have determined that our mission has been fully accomplished by ceasing to exist. Please direct any future correspondence to nowhere. Efficiency achieved.”
It was signed by four directors—who, upon comparison, were discovered to have had identical job descriptions.
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