WASHINGTON, D.C. – In his latest unconventional economic proposal, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., currently serving in Donald Trump’s administration as head of an unnamed but presumably very confused health agency, has unveiled his plan to tackle inflation: abolishing the Federal Reserve and replacing the U.S. monetary system with a nationwide barter economy.
Speaking at a press conference flanked by both economic advisors and holistic healers, RFK Jr. explained his theory to reporters.
“The Federal Reserve is a scam. Inflation is a lie. And the only way to return America to financial stability is by eliminating fiat currency entirely. We need to go back to the way things were before the banks took control—when people could trade chickens for medical care and use gold nuggets to buy groceries.”
His remarks were briefly interrupted when a confused White House staffer reminded him that he was supposed to be giving a briefing on public health measures, not restructuring the global economy.
RFK Jr. waved them off, insisting that “inflation is just a symptom of a much larger sickness—modern banking.”
RFK Jr.’s ‘Alternative Economy’ – A Total Breakdown in Finance
Kennedy’s official economic policy paper (which was reportedly written on hemp parchment and blessed by an energy healer) lays out his bold vision for replacing traditional banking with a more “holistic” financial system.
- Dissolving the Federal Reserve and allowing the U.S. Treasury to base the economy on “real, tangible things” like farmland, gold, and “positive energy.”
- Reintroducing bartering as the primary method of trade, with new government-backed exchange rates (e.g., “Three goats = One iPhone” and “Two dozen eggs = A gallon of gas”)
- Transitioning Social Security payments into physical assets, such as wheat, cattle, and “medicinal” herbal tinctures.
- Mandating all transactions be completed face-to-face, because digital banking is “a tool of corporate mind control.”
“The modern economy is built on deception,” Kennedy explained. “We print fake money, we borrow fake money, and we pretend we can pay it back. It’s time to return to an economy based on trust—where a handshake means more than a bank loan.”
Wall Street Reacts: Total Panic Ensues
As RFK Jr.’s plan spread through financial markets, investors and economists entered full-scale meltdown mode.
- The Dow Jones dropped 3,000 points as traders attempted to hedge their portfolios with “hard assets” like corn and silverware.
- Gold prices skyrocketed 600%, as hedge funds scrambled to purchase as many physical bars as possible before Kennedy’s followers hoarded them all.
- The Federal Reserve issued an emergency statement, reminding the public that “bartering is not a scalable economic system in a modern society.”
- JP Morgan and Goldman Sachs analysts were seen frantically Googling “how to trade livestock for mortgage payments.”
Meanwhile, the pharmaceutical industry, which RFK Jr. has spent years waging war against, released a press statement simply reading:
“We always knew he was insane. This just confirms it.”
Everyday Americans Struggle to Adapt
As news of Kennedy’s plan spread, regular Americans found themselves completely unprepared for a world without traditional money.
- Grocery stores attempted to adjust to the new system, but cashiers quickly gave up trying to calculate “banana-to-rice exchange rates.”
- Airline passengers were left stranded, as major carriers scrambled to determine how many chickens a first-class ticket should cost.
- Tech billionaires panicked, realizing that “owning real cows might be the new Bitcoin.”
- An underground market for “high-value trade items” (such as AA batteries, bottled water, and cigarettes) began forming overnight.
One concerned citizen summed up the sentiment:
“I just want to know if my paycheck is now getting deposited in gold coins or if I’m supposed to start breeding livestock.”
Trump’s Reaction: Mild Amusement, Then Total Confusion
When asked about RFK Jr.’s economic proposal, President Donald Trump initially laughed and called it “an exciting new business opportunity.” However, after being informed that the stock market was in freefall, he reportedly became less enthusiastic.
“Wait, wait, wait—you’re saying money is just… gone? Like, completely gone? That’s BAD! Very bad! What if I want to build another golf course? How many cows is that??”
After a brief meeting with his economic team, Trump held an emergency press conference, where he nervously assured the public:
“Folks, we are definitely NOT getting rid of money. I love money. Money is great. One of my favorite things. Very underrated. But let’s just see what happens, okay?”
At this point, Kennedy interrupted the press conference, handing Trump a jar of essential oils and promising that “economic healing begins within.”
Trump thanked him, nodded, and immediately changed the subject to how much he dislikes windmills.
A Country on the Brink
At press time:
- The U.S. Treasury was reportedly considering printing emergency “backup dollars” to prevent Kennedy’s barter economy from taking full effect.
- The stock market had rebranded itself as the “National Farmers Exchange,” with trading floors now resembling a chaotic medieval marketplace.
- Elon Musk, sensing an opportunity, announced plans to launch “TeslaCoin”—which he claims will be “the world’s first goat-backed cryptocurrency.”
Meanwhile, RFK Jr. was seen smiling and shaking hands with supporters, insisting that “the real economy is in our hearts.”
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