INTERNET – In a groundbreaking report that has shocked absolutely no one, leading cryptocurrency exchange Binance has confirmed that over 90% of its user base consists of people who do nothing except reminisce about how rich they could have been if they had just bought Bitcoin earlier.
The study, conducted over a six-month period, analyzed millions of conversations across trading platforms, Twitter, and Telegram groups, concluding that the single most common phrase spoken by crypto traders is some variation of, “If I had bought Bitcoin at $1, I’d be a billionaire now.”
“We initially thought our users were actively trading,” said Binance spokesperson Lars FOMOberg. “But after reviewing the data, we realized that most of them just open the app, stare at the charts for three hours, do nothing, and then complain about missing the opportunity of a lifetime.”
Meet the “I Could Have Been Rich” Demographics
The report categorizes Bitcoin traders into the following psychological profiles:
- The $1 Regretters (35%) – Those who heard about Bitcoin in 2011, ignored it, and now spend their lives telling everyone about it.
- The 2017 Bubble Veterans (25%) – Bought at $19,000, panicked at $3,000, and are still recovering from the trauma.
- The “I’ll Buy the Dip” Gang (20%) – Forever waiting for Bitcoin to drop to $100 before they “finally” get in.
- The Shitcoin Survivors (10%) – Once believed Dogecoin was a serious investment strategy, now permanently scarred.
- The True Believers (5%) – Actually own Bitcoin, but refuse to sell, even if it hits $10 million.
- Elon Musk (1%) – Mysterious, unpredictable, and capable of shifting the entire market with a single emoji tweet.
The Psychological Toll of “What If?” Trading
According to Dr. Greg HODLstein, a crypto-psychologist, many traders suffer from severe “Alternate Reality Syndrome” (ARS)—a condition where they live in an imaginary timeline where they actually made good financial decisions.
“Many of these individuals spend hours each day running simulations in their heads about how they would have invested back then,” Dr. HODLstein explains. “The problem is that in reality, they still refuse to buy Bitcoin today because they think it’s ‘too late.’”
The study found that 80% of crypto traders spend more time calculating their hypothetical billionaire status than actually executing trades.
“I had the chance to buy Bitcoin in 2013, but I spent the money on a PlayStation instead,” confessed one trader, who now owns neither Bitcoin nor the PlayStation.
Cryptocurrency Exchanges Introduce New “Reminiscence” Feature
In response to these findings, Binance and Coinbase have announced a new feature called “What If?” Mode, which allows users to enter an imaginary purchase date and see how much money they could have had if they weren’t absolute cowards.
“It’s the perfect way to maximize the emotional damage of bad financial decisions,” said a Binance developer. “We want our users to truly experience the pain of missing out, because let’s be honest—that’s why they’re here.”
Meanwhile, veteran crypto traders are urging newcomers to focus on the future rather than the past.
“People need to stop dwelling on what they missed,” said longtime investor Chad Nakamoto. “Instead, they should focus on missing the next big opportunity in real time.”
Conclusion: Nobody Ever Buys, Everyone Just Regrets
With Bitcoin now fluctuating wildly between $60,000 and $150,000 in the span of a single week, one thing remains constant:
Nobody actually buys Bitcoin when they should. Instead, they spend their lives telling others:
“If I had just bought back then…”. And they will continue saying this… forever.
Craving more news? Jim Cramer pulls off the impossible—against all odds and market logic—while Donald Trump unveils huge plans for Gaza.
