New York City – In a bizarre twist no one saw coming (except Reddit, four days in advance), a critical error in the recent Bitcoin halving update has inadvertently connected Goldman Sachs’ internal trading servers to the Bitcoin mining network, resulting in the accidental creation of 3,000 new Bitcoins—all while most employees were grabbing oat milk lattes.
“We thought we were running a high-frequency trading simulation,” explained one Goldman engineer. “Turns out we were solving SHA-256 blocks. Honestly, we didn’t notice the difference until the Bloomberg terminal started blinking in Morse code.”
Bitcoin Mining, But Make It Corporate
According to insiders, the incident occurred when a routine data modeling tool was pointed at the wrong GitHub repository.
Within minutes, Goldman’s vast server farms—normally used to front-run pension funds—were suddenly redirected to mine Bitcoin, completing blocks faster than the entire nation of Kazakhstan.
By the time someone realized what was happening, the bank had mined over 3,000 BTC, worth approximately $200 million, or, as Goldman refers to it, “tip money.”
The Crypto Community Reacts – With Fury and Envy
The reaction online was swift and irrational, as expected:
- Bitcoin purists screamed “centralized fraud!”, only to start price-checking yachts minutes later.
- Reddit’s WallStreetBets attempted to replicate the glitch by connecting their microwaves to Binance.
- Ethereum developers issued a statement saying, “This is why we don’t believe in halving. Or rules.”
Meanwhile, Elon Musk tweeted a goat emoji followed by the word “Halvening,” sending Dogecoin up 12% for no reason.
Goldman Sachs Responds: ‘Oops, But Thanks’
When asked whether they would return the Bitcoins, a Goldman spokesperson replied:
“We are currently conducting a thorough internal review to determine the best way to… hold onto them indefinitely.”
Pressed on whether Goldman understood how it mined the coins, the spokesperson added:
“We assumed it was a new asset class. Honestly, we’d buy it either way.”
The Bitcoin Network – Still Confused
The halving bug has since been patched—sort of. Core developers admitted that the network is now slightly haunted, but functioning.
“We’re 98% sure the code’s stable again,” said one dev on GitHub, “but we’re also 98% sure it was stable before. So, you know. Good luck.”
Wall Street Reaction – Predictable
- Goldman’s stock surged 4% after analysts reclassified it as a “tech miner.”
- JP Morgan launched its own blockchain mining unit, powered entirely by interns.
- The SEC issued a vague statement saying it was looking into the matter, “right after lunch.”
At press time, Goldman’s IT team was seen trying to mine Ethereum Classic, mistakenly believing it’s “the one with the monkeys.”
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