WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning announcement, President Donald Trump has declared that the annexation of Canada will lead to “the most tremendous economic boom in American history.” Economists, financial analysts, and the entire Canadian government, however, are still struggling to understand how this is supposed to work.
Standing in front of a massive American flag and a poorly photoshopped map of North America where Canada was already labeled ‘Trump’s 51st State’, president Donald Trump outlined his vision for the “greatest, most beautiful expansion of the U.S. economy, maybe ever.”
“Canada has so many things. Big, tremendous things. Resources, water, trees, snow – all of it, just sitting there, not being used properly. And I said to myself, why should we let that happen? We’re gonna take it, and we’re gonna make it great again!”
Trump’s ‘Economic Plan’ for Canada – Or Whatever This Is
According to Trump, bringing Canada into the United States will instantly add ‘trillions of dollars’ to the American economy, though no one, including his own advisors, seems to understand how.
- “It’s a Buy One, Get One Free Situation!” Trump compared the annexation to a “real estate deal so good, even Monopoly doesn’t have it.”
- “We’re gonna make SO much money off of their free healthcare!” When reporters pointed out that Canada’s healthcare system doesn’t generate profits, Trump responded: “Not yet, but it will. We’ll privatize it faster than you can say ‘maple syrup.’”
- “We’ll drill for oil. Everywhere.” Trump assured oil companies that every inch of Canada would be open for drilling, including national parks, hockey stadiums, and people’s backyards.
- “Massive tax cuts, folks. Just for me.” Trump also promised “huge, huge tax cuts” from the deal, though when asked for whom, he clarified: “For me, mostly. Maybe a few friends.”
Experts Confused: ‘That’s… Not How Economies Work’
Financial analysts were left speechless after hearing Trump’s economic projections for the Canada acquisition.
“He just threw out numbers,” said one Goldman Sachs strategist. “Trillions of dollars? From what? The trees? The ice? I can’t tell if he actually believes this or if he’s just trying to confuse everyone into submission.”
Harvard economist Dr. Susan Whitman noted that Trump’s comparison of Canada to a ‘Buy One, Get One Free’ deal does not, in fact, apply to international trade or national annexation.
“Canada is a fully developed economy with an advanced banking system,” Whitman said. “It’s not a free gift. If anything, merging two economies of this scale would be a logistical nightmare. Also, did he just suggest turning their hospitals into private golf courses?”
Wall Street Reacts: Markets Surge, Because Why Not?
Despite widespread confusion over how this would work, Wall Street reacted positively to the news, because at this point, nothing makes sense anyway.
- Big Oil stocks skyrocketed after Trump hinted at drilling in Niagara Falls.
- Goldman Sachs announced a new ‘Maple Portfolio,’ specifically for investors hoping to cash in on “Canadian economic disruptions.”
- Elon Musk declared that Tesla will move its headquarters to Toronto, stating: “I just think it’s funny to mess with America’s tax system.”
Meanwhile, the Canadian dollar crashed immediately, with nervous citizens lining up at Tim Hortons to buy as much coffee and poutine as possible before ‘American inflation ruins everything.’
Canada Responds: ‘Uh, No.’
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, looking visibly exhausted, held an emergency press conference in Ottawa.
“We… we are not for sale,” Trudeau began, rubbing his temples. “This is not a thing that can happen. You can’t just… acquire a country.”
Despite Canada’s refusal, Trump doubled down, insisting that Canadians would “love being part of America” once they “see how much winning is involved.”
When asked how he plans to deal with the resistance from 40 million Canadians, Trump shrugged and replied: “Oh, they’ll get over it. Americans hated me at first too, and now look – they still hate me, but I’m their president. So it works.”
At press time, Trump was reportedly considering a deal where he would ‘trade California for Canada,’ explaining that it would be “a tremendous deal for everyone, except California, but who cares about them?”
Craving more news? Nike merges with a rival shoe brand, while Jerome Powell sends markets into free fall—simply by clearing his throat.
