Wall Street – In what analysts are calling “the most 2020s stock market event ever”, Tesla officially filed for bankruptcy today—and its stock price immediately doubled.
Elon Musk, fresh off another courtroom appearance, announced the news via X:
“Tesla? Bankrupt. Totally out of money. But don’t worry, folks—this is actually a GREAT thing. Classic 4D chess move. You’ll see!”
Investors React: ‘This Is Extremely Bullish’
Instead of panicking, Tesla shareholders reacted with overwhelming enthusiasm, buying more shares at record speed.
“Bankruptcy just means Tesla is trimming the fat, streamlining operations, and finally becoming a lean, ultra-efficient business,” explained one Reddit investor. “This is bullish AF!”
Within minutes of the announcement, Tesla stock soared 100%, prompting financial analysts to hold an emergency meeting to redefine the meaning of “fundamentals.”
Wall Street’s Justifications for Why This ‘Makes Sense’
While traditional economists struggled to comprehend reality, Tesla shareholders came up with several reasons why bankruptcy was actually good news:
- “No money = no debt” – Since Tesla has no cash left, it also technically has no financial obligations. Genius.
- “Musk is obviously playing 4D chess” – Surely this is all part of an elaborate plan, possibly involving Mars.
- “It worked for GameStop” – If a struggling video game retailer can defy gravity, why shouldn’t Tesla?
- “Short sellers are about to get WRECKED” – And that’s really all that matters.
Musk Announces ‘New Plan’ – Nobody Knows What It Means
Hours after the bankruptcy filing, Elon Musk held a X Spaces event where he introduced his latest strategy:
“We’re pivoting Tesla to a post-cash, decentralized, quantum-driven business model,” Musk explained, while juggling three different side projects. “Think of it as Tesla 2.0—except without revenue.”
The audience erupted in applause, despite not understanding a single word.
Meanwhile, Tesla board members nodded in agreement, quietly realizing they would probably still receive stock-based compensation.
Retail Investors: ‘HOLD THE LINE!’
As institutional investors attempted to process the situation, Reddit’s WallStreetBets launched an emergency campaign to push Tesla stock “to the moon.”
- One user declared: “I don’t care if Tesla has no cash, no revenue, and no future. I just YOLO’d my entire 401(k) into it. LET’S GOOOO!”
- Another proudly announced: “Bankruptcy? Who cares? I’m doubling down.”
- A third simply posted: “We live in a simulation.”
Final Outcome: Tesla Stock Hits New All-Time High
By the end of the trading day, Tesla had become the first company in history to double in value immediately after declaring insolvency.
At press time, Musk had tweeted:
“Tesla is now a fully decentralized, blockchain-powered automaker with 100% market efficiency. VERY EXCITING!”
The stock spiked another 50% within seconds.
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