Kansas City, MO – Local investor Brandon Wilkins, a self-proclaimed Tesla superfan, has spent the last four years relentlessly buying every dip in the stock, convinced that each crash is just a “buying opportunity” before the inevitable moonshot.
Unfortunately, that moonshot never came. Instead, Tesla stock continued its slow and painful descent, leaving Wilkins’ once-impressive portfolio looking like the financial equivalent of a burning Cybertruck.
“I thought I was playing 4D chess,” Wilkins said, staring blankly at his brokerage account. “Turns out, I was just setting my money on fire in increasingly creative ways.”
Now, too far gone to sell, Wilkins has made the only logical decision: pass his Tesla shares down to his children as a multi-generational curse.
“This is my legacy now. The Wilkins family will HODL forever,” he whispered solemnly. “My grandkids will own Tesla stock whether they like it or not.”
The Wilkins Family Curse Begins
With no hope of financial recovery, Wilkins has legally written his Tesla shares into his will, ensuring that his descendants will be burdened with them for generations to come.
“I don’t want my kids making the same mistakes I did—like selling too early,” he explained. “They need to learn patience, and what better way than being forced to hold onto Tesla stock until the end of time?”
His wife and children have begged him to stop, but Wilkins remains steadfast.
“My family thinks I should cut my losses and move on, but I told them, ‘You don’t abandon Elon in his time of need.’”
When asked if he regrets his decisions, Wilkins just sighed, pulled up a screenshot of Tesla’s all-time high, and whispered, “We were so close.”
The Musk Haunting Begins
As Wilkins’ financial situation deteriorated, strange occurrences began happening in his home.
- At 3 AM, faint whispers of “Dogecoin to the moon” could be heard echoing through the halls.
- His Alexa device began randomly blurting out “fundamentals don’t matter” in a distorted voice.
- The family Tesla—once a source of pride—now randomly starts itself and plays Grimes songs at full volume.
Most disturbingly, his youngest child claims to have seen the shadowy figure of Elon Musk at the foot of her bed, mumbling “Free speech… but only for me.”
“Daddy, I heard a scary man saying ‘funding secured’ in my closet,” she cried one night.
Wilkins, unfazed, simply nodded: “Good. That means he’s watching over us.”
Wall Street Reacts – With Pity and Fear
News of the Wilkins Family Tesla Curse™ quickly spread through financial circles, sparking wild speculation:
- Cathie Wood attempted to buy the cursed shares, calling them “a deeply misunderstood asset class.”
- Hedge funds considered shorting the Wilkins family itself, but decided it was “too cruel, even for Wall Street.”
- Jim Cramer declared that Tesla was now “DEFINITELY a buy,” immediately causing the stock to drop another 12%.
No Escape From the Curse
At press time, Wilkins was seen teaching his 10-year-old son how to log into a brokerage account, ensuring he would continue the family tradition.
“Someday, son, you’ll pass these Tesla shares down to your kids,” Wilkins said, eyes full of misplaced hope. “And one day, they’ll pass them down too. We’re building generational wealth here.”
His son, realizing he will never escape this fate, quietly began Googling, “Can you legally disown inherited stocks?”
Meanwhile, the Musk spirit continued to haunt the household, softly groaning “Full… Self… Driving…” into the night.
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