WASHINGTON, D.C. – The financial world was thrown into chaos yesterday after Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell cleared his throat during a press conference, triggering an unprecedented market panic. The S&P 500 plummeted 6%, Bitcoin momentarily turned negative, and CNBC’s Jim Cramer was seen hyperventilating live on air.
Powell’s cough, which occurred 12 minutes into his prepared remarks on monetary policy, was initially dismissed as insignificant. However, as Wall Street analysts rushed to interpret its meaning, algorithms kicked in, triggering a massive sell-off.
„We’ve seen rate hikes, we’ve seen quantitative tightening, but we have never seen a throat-clearing of this magnitude,“ said one analyst from Goldman Sachs, who immediately downgraded the entire U.S. economy to “probably doomed.”
By mid-afternoon, major news networks ran Breaking News banners reading “Powell Coughs – Recession Incoming?” CNN switched to 24/7 coverage, featuring historical analyses of past Fed chairmen’s respiratory habits.
The White House Responds
The Trump administration wasted no time in addressing the crisis. Speaking from the White House briefing room, Press Secretary Tucker Carlson reassured the nation: „This was not a normal cough. It was a deep-state cough. We are looking into it.“
President Donald Trump himself took to the podium shortly after, offering his signature blend of economic analysis and personal grievances: „Look, folks, this is the worst cough in history. Jerome – nice guy, but weak cough, terrible timing. Frankly, we had the best coughing. Strong, powerful, like you wouldn’t believe. Now the markets panic because of one little cough? Disgraceful!“
Trump then announced he was “considering all options” to stabilize the markets, including:
- A new executive order banning all coughing at the Federal Reserve
- Slashing interest rates to “a number so low you won’t believe it”
- Replacing Jerome Powell with “a strong, silent type – maybe Melania”
The Fallout
Despite the administration’s attempts to downplay the situation, investors remained jittery. Wall Street insiders reported that hedge funds were now hiring lip-readers and respiratory specialists to analyze Powell’s every breath.
The nation now braces for Powell’s next public appearance. Economic analysts warn that another cough – or worse, a sip of water – could send the Dow into freefall.
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