Wolfsburg, Germany – In a bold attempt to catch up with its more tech-savvy competitors, Volkswagen has unveiled its latest innovation in digital in-car assistance: a fully German-engineered AI voice assistant named Heinz, whose primary function appears to be… asking if you’re really, really sure.
“We believe in precision, caution, and redundant confirmation,” said a spokesperson during the official launch event, which included a two-hour safety demonstration on how to exit the app. “Heinz reflects our core values: reliability, formality, and healthy skepticism.”
How Heinz Works: Slowly, But Thoroughly
The assistant activates when the driver says, “Heinz, please open the sunroof.”
Heinz responds:
“Of course. Would you like to open the sunroof now?”
If the driver confirms:
“Just to confirm—do you still wish to proceed with opening the sunroof at this time?”
Only after a second verbal confirmation and a short safety disclaimer does the action occur. Heinz then adds,
“Thank you. The sunroof is now open. Please remember that sudden temperature changes may affect your driving mood.”
Features That Prioritize Order Over Speed
Volkswagen’s engineers highlight several other key features:
- Multilingual hesitation: Heinz is fluent in five languages, but always pauses thoughtfully before answering—just to be sure.
- Strict adherence to hierarchy: Commands issued by front-seat passengers are politely declined unless cleared by the driver.
- Built-in guilt sensor: Heinz will occasionally remind drivers that rolling down the windows might harm the car’s aerodynamic profile.
- Emergency mode: In case of actual danger, Heinz will calmly say, “This seems urgent. Would you like to activate emergency protocols, or first hear your available options?”
One test driver reportedly gave up trying to change the temperature and opened a window manually, only to hear Heinz say, “That was not the recommended method, but it is your right as vehicle operator.”
Volkswagen Defends Its Approach
Critics have called Heinz “a bureaucratic Alexa in a lab coat,” but VW remains firm in its design philosophy.
“We don’t believe in rushed decisions, especially not when it comes to sunroofs and seat heaters,” said the Head of Digital Caution Systems. “Heinz brings intentional slowness into a world that moves too fast.”
Market Reaction – Mixed But Curious
- Tesla drivers laughed, then got stuck in a 14-minute software update loop.
- BMW reportedly working on their own assistant, ‘Klaus,’ who refuses to do anything without a signed liability waiver.
- Volkswagen stock held steady, mostly because investors haven’t figured out how Heinz affects EBIT yet.
At press time, Heinz was demoed at the Geneva Auto Show. A journalist asked, “Heinz, how do I turn on the radio?”
Heinz responded, “Why? Is silence not enough?”
Craving more news? Tesla owners are furious over vandalism, while Cybertruck drivers can’t tell if theirs was hit or just… looks like that.
