MENLO PARK, CA – In a bold move to “maximize user engagement,” Meta has unveiled its latest algorithm update: a revolutionary system designed to show users only the content that will enrage them the most.
Executives at Meta confirmed that the company has finally given up on the idea of “connecting people” and is now fully committed to “fueling blind, irrational fury as a primary business model.”
“We realized something important,” said Meta’s head of product. “People say they want positivity, but they spend way more time online when they’re furious at something. And as a social media platform, our goal isn’t happiness—it’s screen time.”
How the “Rage-Boost” Algorithm Works
The new “Rage-Boost AI” is designed to identify exactly what will make each user irrationally mad and ensure that’s all they see. Here’s how it works:
- Analyzes past interactions to determine what content triggers the strongest emotional response.
- Prioritizes posts that spark outrage, ensuring that every scroll leads to something even more infuriating.
- Deliberately hides peaceful, reasonable discussions, because those don’t drive engagement.
- Automatically adjusts the timeline so that if a user does find something uplifting, it is immediately buried under a pile of political arguments.
According to internal Meta documents, testing showed that users spent 200% more time on Facebook and Instagram when their timelines were filled with deliberate rage-bait.
“It turns out people just can’t look away from things that make them angry,” a Meta engineer explained. “We thought they wanted connection, but no—they want to argue with strangers until 3 AM and then do it all over again the next day.”
What Users Can Expect from the Update
Meta has outlined several new “features” that will ensure users remain perpetually outraged, including:
- “Suggested Arguments” – The AI will personally recommend topics that will ruin your mood, based on your unique anger profile.
- “Auto-Fight Mode” – The system will automatically tag you in controversial discussions you didn’t even know existed.
- “Engagement Tension Maximizer” – Posts from your least favorite relatives will now appear first in your feed, followed by the worst takes you’ve ever seen.
- “Live Reaction Polls” – Designed to make sure that any mildly unpopular opinion gets downvoted into oblivion, causing even more arguments.
“Our research shows that people feel a deep urge to correct strangers online,” said Meta’s lead data scientist. “We’re just making sure they get as many opportunities as possible to do so.”
Meta’s Response to Critics: ‘This Is What You People Want’
In response to criticism that the new algorithm may be bad for mental health, Meta executives have defended the change by blaming the users.
“Look, we tried showing people wholesome content,” said a spokesperson. “We tested it. They scrolled right past it. The second we reintroduced toxic political debates and misleading headlines, engagement skyrocketed. You people did this to yourselves.”
Meanwhile, Meta’s ad revenue has soared, as brands rush to place ads between rage-fueled arguments about whether pineapple belongs on pizza.
What’s Next? Even More Engagement-Boosting Features
Following the success of “Rage-Boost AI,” Meta has already begun testing new methods to maximize user engagement:
- “Auto-Reply Generator” – Uses AI to craft the most inflammatory possible response to a comment thread you weren’t even part of.
- “Mutual Friend Drama Enhancer” – Ensures that every minor disagreement in group chats spirals into a full-blown social meltdown.
- “Breaking News Disinformation Injector” – Will provide alternative versions of real events, just to see which one gets people more upset.
At press time, Mark Zuckerberg was seen in a boardroom presentation explaining that “keeping users in a state of constant digital combat is the most effective way to drive quarterly growth.”
Meanwhile, Twitter/X executives were reportedly taking notes, preparing to implement a similar system, but with even fewer guardrails.
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