Washington, D.C. – In a press conference that veered between confusion, bravado, and Antarctic ornithology, Donald Trump defended his surprise decision to impose a 10% tariff on the remote and uninhabited Heard and McDonald Islands, home to nothing but penguins, seals, and now a full-blown trade war.
“You look at these penguins—very slippery birds, folks—sliding around, acting like they don’t owe us anything,” Donald Trump told reporters. “The Heard and McDonald Islands have been sliding under the radar for decades. Not anymore. Not under Trump.”
Though the Heard and McDonald Islands are officially Australian territory and host no economy, no humans, and no known exports, that didn’t stop Trump from labeling them a “strategic trade threat hiding behind cuteness.”
Markets Slide Like Penguins Themselves
Wall Street responded with a sharp drop. The Dow Jones fell over 700 points as traders frantically tried to understand whether this was satire, sanction, or some kind of Antarctic crypto pump.
“There are no exports. There are no people. There are only penguins,” one stunned analyst said. “And now they’re apparently part of U.S. trade policy.”
Panic briefly spread in shipping circles when a rumor circulated that the Heard and McDonald Islands had recently “refused entry” to a U.S. research vessel. It was later clarified the vessel simply got stuck in ice.
Australia Confused, Penguins Unavailable for Comment
The Australian government issued a reserved statement noting that the Heard and McDonald Islands are part of their territory, and that the United States “is welcome to tariff the ice and wind if it wishes.”
A spokesperson for the Australian Antarctic Division added, “There’s nothing there. Nothing. Except birds. And some angry seals. Good luck collecting your tariffs.”
The penguin population on the islands, largely Adélie and king penguins, remained silent, though satellite imagery showed what appeared to be penguin formations resembling the word “lol.”
Why Spare Russia and North Korea?
Trump was also asked why he spared Russia and North Korea, while targeting a bird-covered island 4,000 kilometers from anywhere.
“Russia’s been very respectful. North Korea too. Heard and McDonald? Not so much. There’s been a lot of sliding. A lot of disrespect,” Trump explained.
He added that “no country, territory, or glacier is exempt” from reciprocal trade action and that future tariffs could include “snow, cold, and maybe that fake northern light stuff.”
Next Moves and a Possible Penguin Tax Authority
Trump floated the idea of a floating tariff station near the Heard and McDonald Islands, staffed by volunteer Coast Guard members and “economically alert marine biologists.”
He also claimed that “penguins have been dodging American duties since the 1950s,” though no source could be found for this.
At press time, Trump announced a second wave of tariffs on “wind currents suspected of carrying unfair trade energy” from Antarctic waters.
The Heard and McDonald Islands, meanwhile, remain unbothered—quietly icy, geopolitically confused, and now 10% more American.
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