CUPERTINO, CA – In a move that has left both tech enthusiasts and financial analysts scratching their heads, Apple has officially announced that its next-generation iPhone will remove the charging port entirely, forcing users to embrace a “fully wireless lifestyle.”
During the latest Apple Special Event, CEO Tim Cook enthusiastically presented the decision as a ‘bold step forward’ for innovation, design, and, most importantly, profit margins.
“At Apple, we believe in pushing boundaries,” Cook stated, standing in front of an oversized, glowing Apple logo. “First, we removed the headphone jack. Then, we removed the charger from the box. Now, we’re taking the next logical step—removing the charging port altogether.”
The announcement was met with a mix of applause, confusion, and quiet sobbing from users who still haven’t fully adjusted to Apple’s last ‘courageous’ decision.
The Wireless Revolution – Or Just a Massive Cash Grab?
Apple insists that the removal of the charging port is about “cleaner design” and “a seamless user experience.” However, leaked internal documents suggest that the decision was heavily influenced by Apple’s goal of selling more proprietary accessories.
Key details from the announcement include:
- The new “AirCharge Pro” pad will be sold separately – for $199.99.
- Wired backups are no longer possible—if wireless charging fails, “users are encouraged to take a deep breath and think positive thoughts.”
- The new iPhone will not come with a charging cable, a charger, or any physical buttons, because “simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”
- Charging speeds will be 20% slower, but Apple reassures customers that “waiting longer is part of the premium experience.”
Cook defended the move, saying, “We are making a statement. The future is wireless, and we are committed to getting there—even if it means making your life significantly more inconvenient in the process.”
Apple Fans Defend the Decision – Others Consider Therapy
Despite immediate backlash on social media, Apple’s most loyal customers have already embraced the change.
- “If Apple says I don’t need a charging port, then I probably don’t,” tweeted one devoted fan.
- “Tim Cook is a genius. My life is finally free from the tyranny of cables!” wrote another, shortly before their battery died.
- “People laughed when Apple removed the headphone jack too, and look at us now!” said an Apple user, while desperately searching for a Bluetooth adapter.
Meanwhile, longtime iPhone users began experiencing the first stages of grief. Many were seen wandering into Apple Stores, staring blankly at the new devices, whispering, “They wouldn’t do this to us… would they?“
Wall Street Reacts: Apple Stock Surges Because Nothing Makes Sense Anymore
Despite the immediate outrage from customers, Apple’s stock soared 15% overnight, as investors realized that removing the charging port forces millions of users to buy new accessories.
- Hedge funds scrambled to invest in Apple’s new “AirCharge Pro” ecosystem, predicting record profits from customers with no other option.
- Analysts at Goldman Sachs called the decision “a stroke of genius,” noting that “Apple has once again found a way to sell less product for more money.”
- Jim Cramer screamed “BUY APPLE!” on CNBC, causing a short-term 10% plunge in pre-market trading.
Even Elon Musk weighed in, tweeting:
“Apple removing charging ports is dumb. Tesla will now make its own smartphone – the TeslaPhone. It will charge using solar power and possibly moon energy. #Revolution“
Even More Features You Didn’t Ask For
According to sources inside Apple, the company is already planning its next “courageous” moves:
- 2025: Apple will remove physical buttons, replacing them with gesture-based air swipes that only work if you stand at a perfect 45-degree angle.
- 2026: The iPhone screen will be fully transparent, making it nearly impossible to see. Apple will call this “the most immersive display ever.”
- 2027: Apple will release an iPhone that requires a monthly subscription just to turn on.
At press time, Samsung executives were reportedly laughing uncontrollably—until realizing they will probably copy this idea next year.
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