Austin, TX – In yet another of his now-legendary business-meets-biology press appearances, Elon Musk explained his ongoing efforts to combat the global birth rate decline. His solution? Mass reproduction, personally supervised and executed.
“We’re facing a demographic collapse,” Elon Musk warned reporters. “And like any good CEO, I’m scaling. Efficiently. Strategically. Organically.”
According to Musk, his ever-growing family isn’t just a personal choice—it’s part of a master plan to vertically integrate the human gene pool.
“You wouldn’t outsource critical infrastructure. Why would you outsource the future of civilization?”
Children as Corporate Synergies
Musk revealed a flowchart (created in PowerPoint at 3 a.m., he claimed) illustrating how his children are essential nodes in the long-term optimization of Earth’s population.
He broke it down for reporters in typical Musk fashion:
- “I’m not just having kids. I’m creating a distributed network of genetically-linked innovators.”
- “Each child is like a startup. Some will scale. Others will pivot. But all are part of the same vision stack.”
- “This isn’t a family. It’s a decentralized legacy protocol.”
Asked how he manages such a large family, Musk replied, “Easy. I’ve automated 70% of parenting with a neural network and three Roombas.”
Wall Street Reacts – With Cautious Fascination
News of Musk’s fertility strategy caused immediate ripples in the market:
- Tesla stock rose 4%, as analysts speculated the next generation of Musks might eventually run the company—simultaneously.
- Bank of America released a note titled “Musk’s Fertility Thesis – Disruptive or Just… Fertile?”
- Goldman Sachs began developing a “Musk DNA Index Fund,” investing in companies where his children are projected to intern.
Meanwhile, HR departments across Silicon Valley reported a sharp uptick in male employees inquiring whether “founding a dynasty” counted as long-term strategic planning.
Musk’s Parenting Philosophy: Startups with Diapers
According to sources close to the Musk household(s), Elon has installed:
- Time-tracking apps for all toddlers, linked to performance-based nap schedules.
- An AI nanny that reads bedtime stories in the voice of Morgan Freeman or Grimes.
- A prototype of “Neuralink Baby,” which allegedly helps with early vocabulary but once said “Dogecoin” before “Mama.”
Asked whether he intends to stop at a certain number of children, Musk simply laughed:
“That’s like asking if I’ll stop launching rockets. The answer is no, and also, I have plans for Mars.”
At press time, Musk tweeted an image of a spreadsheet titled “Q3 Fertility Targets” with a cryptic caption: “Scaling begins at home.”
Craving more news? Jim Cramer pulls off the impossible—against all odds and market logic.
