WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unprecedented geopolitical crisis, President Trump has declared a national emergency after Greenland announced retaliatory tariffs on American goods. The White House now claims that these tariffs pose an existential threat to the U.S. economy, leaving military officials scrambling to determine whether Trump is joking—or actually preparing for war against a country mostly made of ice.
“This is the most dangerous act of economic aggression in modern history,” Donald Trump declared at an emergency press conference. “Worse than China, worse than the EU, worse than Canada—Greenland is trying to destroy America. And I won’t let that happen.”
Greenland’s Bold Move: “We’ve Had Enough”
Greenland’s decision to impose tariffs reportedly came after years of being ignored, mocked, and nearly purchased like a piece of real estate.
“America thought we were just some frozen wasteland, but they forgot one thing: We hold all the ice,” said Greenland’s Minister of Trade, Bjørn Icebergsson. “You like cold drinks, America? Well, guess what—ice just got a lot more expensive.”
Among the newly tariffed items:
- U.S. fast food imports – All McDonald’s, Burger King, and KFC products will now face a 400% tariff, effectively raising the price of a Big Mac in Greenland to $92.
- Ice exports – Greenland will no longer ship ice to the U.S., forcing American beverage companies to either mine their own ice or just deal with lukewarm soda.
- Snow – Ski resorts in Colorado, which have relied on imported Greenland snow during dry winters, will now pay triple the price for each shipment.
The move has left corporate America in chaos, with beverage companies and winter sports industries demanding immediate action.
Trump’s Overreaction: “We Are Under Attack”
Upon hearing of the tariffs, Donald Trump immediately declared a national emergency, sending military advisors to the Pentagon to develop contingency plans for what he has called “The Ice War.”
“If we don’t act now, Greenland will own America by 2028,” Trump warned. “First they take our ice, then they take our land. That’s how these things start.”
When Pentagon officials pointed out that Greenland has a population of just 56,000 and no military, Trump remained unmoved, insisting that the country’s natural access to ice gives it too much economic power.
“They’re like the OPEC of frozen water, folks. And we cannot allow a foreign ice monopoly,” Trump said.
U.S. Beverage Companies Sound the Alarm
One of the hardest-hit industries is the American fast-food and beverage sector, which relies on cheap Greenland ice to cool sodas.
- Coca-Cola shares have plummeted, as investors panic over a future where Americans drink warm soda.
- McDonald’s executives have called an emergency meeting, discussing whether they should start drilling for ice in Alaska.
- Florida has declared its own state emergency, fearing the extinction of frozen margaritas.
“This is worse than anything we’ve faced before,” said a spokesperson for Pepsi. “Warm soda isn’t just a crisis—it’s an insult to our way of life.”
Greenland Fires Back: “America Needs Us More Than We Need Them”
Despite Trump’s aggressive rhetoric, Greenland remains completely unfazed, with its government mocking the U.S. reaction.
“America has always underestimated us,” said Greenland’s Prime Minister, Anders Frostson. “They thought they could buy us. Now they’ll have to pay.”
In a final, brutal move, Greenland has announced that any Americans vacationing there must now bring their own ice or pay a ‘foreign cooling fee’ of $20 per cube.
Trump’s Next Move: A Counter-Tariff That Makes No Sense
In retaliation, Trump has announced that the U.S. will now place a 500% tariff on “any Greenland imports”—a move that confuses economists, as Greenland exports almost nothing to the U.S.
“We’re gonna tax them hard,” Trump bragged. “We’re gonna tax their…uh…exports. Whatever they are. People are telling me they send us stuff. We’ll figure it out.”
As reporters pointed out that Greenland’s main exports are ice and cold air, Trump became visibly irritated, insisting that his tariffs would hit them “where it hurts.”
“They’ll be begging us to stop. Mark my words,” Trump said, before demanding a Diet Coke with extra ice—only to be informed that it had run out.
America Adjusts to Warm Drinks
Despite mounting economic damage, Trump has insisted the U.S. is winning the Ice War, telling supporters at a rally:
“Some people say warm soda is bad. But guess what? It builds character. That’s what America needs, folks. Character.”
At press time, Greenland officials were reportedly in talks with Canada to form a “Frozen Trade Alliance,” leaving the U.S. completely iced out.
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