MEXICO CITY – In what President Trump is calling “the greatest trade deal of all time,” Mexico has successfully negotiated a new agreement with the U.S. that appears, at first glance, to be a huge victory for America. However, upon closer inspection, experts have discovered that the deal is mostly gibberish, a series of fake promises, and an impressive collection of Spanish insults cleverly disguised as legal jargon.
During a highly choreographed press conference, Trump stood before a giant gold-lettered banner reading “TREMENDOUS & BIGLY TRADE DEAL” and announced that he had successfully “beaten Mexico into submission.“
“Let me tell you, this is HUGE. Mexico was losing, we were winning, but now we’re winning even more. The most winning ever. People are saying it’s the best deal since the Louisiana Purchase,” Trump bragged.
Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum, standing beside him, struggled to keep a straight face as he watched Trump enthusiastically sign the 500-page document, completely unaware of what was inside.
What’s Actually in the Deal?
According to legal experts who actually bothered to read the fine print, the agreement is a masterclass in diplomatic trolling. Key highlights include:
- A Clause That Declares “The United States Is Very Stupid”
- Hidden on page 187, this passage describes the U.S. economy as “un pendejo gigante,” which loosely translates to “a colossal dumbass.”
- When asked about this by reporters, Trump responded: “I don’t know what that means, but it sounds tremendous.”
- Mexico “Agrees” to Pay for the Border Wall – But Only in Monopoly Money
- Article 14.3 states that Mexico will send monthly payments of 1 billion pesos to the U.S. Treasury…
- …but only in the form of Monopoly game currency.
- “It says Mexico will pay! Look! Right there! Bigly!” Trump shouted at reporters, completely ignoring the fine print.
- A Mandatory Name Change for Texas
- In a historic legal shift, the deal officially renames Texas to “Nuevo Nuevo México.”
- This means all Texans will now require Spanish passports to visit the rest of the U.S.
- Governor Greg Abbott called the move “an act of war,” while the Mexican government called it “una bromita” (a little joke).
- All American Fast Food Chains Must Serve Tacos – Or Leave the Country
- McDonald’s, Burger King, and KFC are now legally required to offer authentic Mexican street tacos at all U.S. locations.
- If they fail to do so, they must shut down and donate their deep fryers to struggling taquerías in Mexico.
- “We call it economic justice,” said Sheinbaum.
- A Mysterious “El Chapo Retirement Fund”
- Somewhere around page 478, the document establishes a $5 billion “economic reintegration package” for a mysterious “retired business executive” who is totally not El Chapo.
- “Oh, don’t worry about that part,” Sheinbaum said when pressed by reporters. “It’s just a technical detail.”
How Did Trump Not Notice?
Many are questioning how Trump, a self-proclaimed “deal-making genius,” failed to realize he was signing a document full of nonsense. However, insiders reveal that:
- The first page of the contract featured a giant picture of Trump with the words “Greatest President Ever” underneath.
- He spent 45 minutes admiring it before moving to the second page.
- Every paragraph started with flattering phrases like “Dear Supreme Leader Trump” and “Oh Most Genius Negotiator.”
- “It’s like they really understand me,” Trump reportedly told aides.
- Every time a difficult legal passage appeared, Mexico cleverly inserted phrases like “Trump is stronger than Putin” and “Trump’s hands are totally normal-sized.”
- “I knew it!” Trump exclaimed at one point.
Wall Street Reacts: Investors Celebrate, Then Panic
At first, the stock market surged as traders assumed that Trump had somehow secured an unbeatable deal. However, once Spanish-speaking analysts actually translated the agreement, panic set in.
- The U.S. dollar fell 20% after investors realized Mexico now legally owns Arizona.
- Guacamole futures skyrocketed, as the deal included a secret clause giving Mexico full control over avocado exports.
- Fox News briefly praised the deal before abruptly switching to 24/7 coverage of Hillary Clinton’s emails.
What Happens Now?
Despite obvious signs that the U.S. has been outmaneuvered, Trump remains convinced that the deal is a major win. When asked if he had actually read the document, Trump replied:
“Look, reading is for nerds. I feel deals. I vibe with them. And this one? This one felt great.”
Meanwhile, in Mexico, Claudia Sheinbaum and her entire cabinet were last seen at a tequila bar, laughing uncontrollably and toasting to their “business genius.”
The world waits to see how long it will take before Trump realizes that he has essentially handed half of the southwestern United States over to Mexico. Experts predict about 6 months – or never.
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