WASHINGTON, D.C. – Donald Trump has ordered the Federal Reserve to immediately stop printing money for Democratic-led states, declaring that only Republican-controlled regions will have access to U.S. dollars.
Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, President Donald Trump accused the Fed of “stealing money” from red states and giving it to “woke socialist hellholes” like California and New York.
“It’s very simple, folks. We’re only going to print money for the states that deserve it. The ones that vote correctly. Okay? Because these Democrat-run states? They waste money! It’s terrible! We need to make sure the great, beautiful, perfect states—like Texas, Florida, Alabama—get all the cash they need. The others? They can figure it out themselves.”
How the Plan Will Work (Nobody Knows)
The details of how this system will actually function remain unclear, but Trump’s economic advisors—most of whom have no actual financial experience—insist it will “work itself out.”
Some key changes include:
- Federal Reserve printing presses will now only produce dollars marked with “Official Red State Currency” stamps.
- Blue states will have to “prove” their fiscal responsibility by winning at least two Republican governors before being allowed access to new dollars.
- Wall Street traders will now be required to declare party affiliation before being allowed to buy or sell stocks.
- Any bank headquartered in a blue state must relocate to a red state or face immediate asset seizure.
“It’s called fiscal discipline,” explained one Trump official. “If California wants more money, maybe they should stop spending it on windmills and avocado toast.”
Democratic States Respond – With Panic and Alternative Currencies
As expected, blue states immediately launched emergency financial measures in response to the policy.
- California announced “CaliCoin,” a state-backed cryptocurrency that can only be used at Whole Foods and Tesla Superchargers.
- New York introduced the “Empire Buck,” which instantly collapsed because hedge funds figured out how to short it within 15 minutes.
- Massachusetts attempted to bring back the barter system, but residents were outraged when they discovered you can’t use Harvard degrees as actual currency.
Meanwhile, Washington, D.C. was left completely broke, as Donald Trump declared that “obviously, the Swamp doesn’t get any money.”
Wall Street Reactions: Utter Confusion
The financial world erupted into total chaos following the announcement.
- Hedge funds couldn’t decide whether to panic or celebrate, so they did both, causing the Dow to rise and fall by 5,000 points within a single hour.
- JP Morgan announced it would relocate its headquarters to Texas “just in case.”
- Goldman Sachs issued a statement saying, “Honestly, this is so insane that it might actually make us money.”
- Bitcoin surged 300% overnight, as investors concluded that “at least the blockchain doesn’t have party affiliation.”
International Reactions – Pure Laughter
- The European Union called an emergency meeting, but halfway through, officials stopped and just started drinking instead.
- China immediately offered to provide loans to blue states, calling it “a fantastic opportunity to expand our influence.”
- Russia attempted to launch its own “Red State Banking System,” but accidentally defaulted on its own debt in the process.
- Mexico officially responded by sending Trump an invoice labeled “For The Wall,” demanding $50 billion in unpaid bills.
Final Outcome: No One Knows What’s Happening Anymore
As of press time, the following developments had occurred:
- Florida began printing its own money featuring Ron DeSantis’ face, but it was immediately devalued by 90% after DeSantis’ approval rating collapsed.
- California was reportedly in secret talks with Canada, discussing whether it might be easier to just leave the U.S. altogether.
- Trump was spotted at a private Mar-a-Lago dinner, where he reportedly floated the idea of making Texas the new U.S. capital.
Meanwhile, financial analysts stared blankly at their screens, wondering if they should just give up and start investing in canned goods and bottled water.
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