Mar-a-Lago, FL – What began as a bold move to protect American auto manufacturing has officially turned into a personal crisis for Donald J. Trump, who this week was forced to walk an entire round of golf after realizing his favorite imported golf carts are now subject to devastating new tariffs.
According to sources close to Donald Trump, the tariffs—intended to punish “unfair foreign auto practices”—inadvertently included electric golf carts, many of which are manufactured in South Korea and Japan.
“Nobody warned me,” Trump reportedly told aides while limping back to the clubhouse. “If I had known this would affect the carts, I never would’ve signed the order. I thought we were only taxing loser cars – not beautiful, little golf machines.”
From Driving to Dragging
The price of Trump’s preferred model—a gold-plated, fully electric, two-seater with built-in Diet Coke cooler and miniature flagpole—has skyrocketed from $12,000 to over $180,000 under the new tariffs.
Unable to justify the cost, Trump attempted to walk all 18 holes at Mar-a-Lago for the first time in over a decade. The result, according to eyewitnesses, was “nothing short of an orthopedic disaster.”
By hole six, Trump was reportedly:
- Refusing to stand in sand traps
- Asking if bunker rakes could be converted into mobility scooters
- Demanding a foot massage from a confused Secret Service agent
By hole eleven, he sat down on the fairway and shouted, “This is elder abuse! Somebody call the Geneva Convention!”
The Medical Fallout
Dr. Ronny Jackson, former White House physician and now part-time Mar-a-Lago foot consultant, issued a statement describing the condition as “severe presidential heel trauma with suspected patriotic swelling.”
He confirmed that Trump is now prescribed:
- Extra-soft custom insoles
- Golf course shortcuts via helicopter
- Limited exposure to walking-related situations
“He’s in tremendous pain,” Jackson noted. “Possibly the worst foot pain any president has ever faced.”
Economic Impact – Golf Sector Braces for Chaos
- Golf cart stocks plunged 12% following Trump’s announcement that he would be “temporarily boycotting walking.”
- Domestic cart makers celebrated – briefly – before realizing they still can’t produce enough vehicles for one Mar-a-Lago weekend.
- Trump requested a tariff exception for ‘leisure-critical micro-vehicles’, but was reportedly ignored by his own economic team, who were still recovering from the Yemen Signal chat fallout.
New Strategy: Blame Canada
Sources say Trump now privately blames Canada for the golf cart crisis, stating, “They’ve always had it out for me. Ever since I canceled that moose deal.”
At press time, Trump was seen testing an experimental cart assembled from two Segways and a cooler strapped together with MAGA tape.
His final words to reporters: “Next time I impose tariffs, someone remind me to read the fine print. Or at least ask if they’ll hurt my hobbies.”
Craving more news? Trump demands a free Canadian hockey team in response to a boycott, while Apple CEO refuses to say where iPhones are now made—possibly under sea level.
