ROME – In what he describes as “the greatest financial move ever made,” President Donald Trump has announced the official annexation of the Vatican, claiming it will be “America’s most lucrative investment since Manhattan.”
Standing in front of St. Peter’s Basilica, now draped with an enormous ‘Trump 2028’ banner, Donald Trump outlined his vision for the newly acquired “financial powerhouse.”
“They’ve got gold, they’ve got priceless art, they’ve got a real estate portfolio bigger than Jeff Bezos – and best of all, they don’t even pay taxes!” Trump declared. “It’s the perfect business model. The best. And now? It’s ours.”
The Vatican’s Wealth: A ‘Once-in-a-Lifetime Investment Opportunity’
Trump has assured Wall Street that bringing the Vatican under U.S. control will “instantly” solve the national debt, citing its estimated $30 billion in assets – an assessment economists immediately labeled “completely made up.”
According to his plan, America will capitalize on key Vatican revenue streams:
- Monetizing Church Donations – “Why should all those Sunday collections just sit there? We’re introducing the ‘Trump Tithe’ – 10% goes to God, 10% goes to infrastructure. It’s beautiful.”
- Selling Off Priceless Religious Art – “We’ve got these Michelangelo paintings just sitting in a chapel? Why not put them on eBay? We’re talking tremendous ROI.”
- Vatican City Luxury Housing Boom – “People love gated communities. The Vatican is literally the most exclusive gated community on Earth. Imagine what we can charge for condos!”
To further “streamline operations,” Trump announced that the U.S. Treasury will replace the Vatican Bank with a Goldman Sachs-run “Faith Investment Division,” promising “higher returns and fewer ethics.”
Wall Street Reacts: Stocks Skyrocket, Hedge Funds Scramble
The New York Stock Exchange exploded at the news, as investors rushed to get exposure to “Church-backed assets.”
- Vatican Treasury Bonds sold out in minutes, leading JPMorgan to declare “A New Golden Age of Religion-Backed Investing.”
- Goldman Sachs announced the first-ever ‘Papal Hedge Fund,’ promising “divine returns and minimal confession requirements.”
- Crypto markets surged as traders launched ‘HolyCoin,’ backed by the theoretical value of forgiveness.
“Faith is a market that never crashes,” said one venture capitalist. “People have been buying into it for 2,000 years. This is the safest long-term play imaginable.”
Congress Debates New Tax Policy: Should America Start Taxing the Church?
With the Vatican now under U.S. jurisdiction, Congress has launched a heated debate over whether to start taxing religious institutions.
- Republicans oppose it, arguing that “the Church should remain tax-free – unless we can find a way to redirect donations to defense spending.”
- Democrats are conflicted, with some calling for a ‘Luxury Prayer Tax’ that scales based on income, while others worry that “taxing the afterlife economy could lead to unforeseen consequences.”
- Libertarians demand that Heaven be privatized altogether, arguing that “access to salvation should be determined by free-market forces.”
Pope Francis Reacts: ‘This Is an Abomination’ – Trump Dismisses Concerns as ‘Fake Holiness’
Pope Francis, looking visibly exhausted, held an emergency press conference to condemn the takeover, calling it “a blasphemous act of pure greed.”
Trump responded by calling him “Low Energy Pope” and suggesting that “if the Church was really against capitalism, why do they own so much real estate?”
- The Pope attempted to declare an excommunication of Trump, but was quickly overruled by new “Vatican Supreme Court Justice” Clarence Thomas.
- Religious leaders around the world condemned the move, while Evangelicals in the U.S. surprisingly supported it, saying ‘if it makes money, God approves.’
- Trump then announced plans for a “MegaChurch Casino & Resort” in the Sistine Chapel, promising “the greatest spiritual entertainment experience ever built.”
The Vatican IPO Goes Live
As Trump left the Vatican, he announced plans for an “Initial Pope Offering” (IPO), allowing retail investors to buy shares in Vatican Inc.
“This is the most successful religious takeover in history,” Trump declared. “They say Jesus performed miracles? Well, we just turned a church into a billion-dollar revenue stream. That’s the real miracle.”
At press time, the U.S. was reportedly in talks to acquire Mecca, leading to a wave of global panic, market speculation, and sudden mass conversions to avoid new pilgrimage taxes.
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