WASHINGTON, D.C. – As inflation in the United States surges to new highs, former and current President Donald Trump has finally identified the culprits behind the economic crisis: Joe Biden, China, Mexico, and, in a surprising twist, windmills.
Standing in front of a massive gold-plated “MAKE AMERICA CHEAP AGAIN” banner, Donald Trump addressed the nation in a 90-minute press conference that began with economic policy but quickly devolved into a series of unrelated grievances.
“We have a tremendous inflation problem. The worst inflation in history, by the way. Worse than the Great Depression, worse than the dinosaurs, worse than anything. And you know whose fault it is? It’s Joe Biden. It’s China. It’s Mexico. And, quite frankly, it could also be the windmills. I don’t trust them.”
Trump’s Inflation Theory: A Perfect Storm of Enemies
When pressed by reporters to explain how these seemingly unrelated things could all be responsible for rising prices, Trump doubled down:
- Joe Biden: “He doesn’t know what’s going on, folks. He probably thinks inflation is just a setting on his microwave. The man has no clue.”
- China: “They’ve been cheating us for years. They send us cheap products, then make them expensive, and somehow they control our gas prices. Very sneaky.”
- Mexico: “They’re taking our jobs, sending us bad avocados, and now they’re probably inflating our economy too. I don’t know how, but believe me, they are.”
- Windmills: “Nobody’s talking about this, but I will. I heard from a very reliable source—very smart people—that windmills might be causing inflation. Something about ‘air pressure’ and how it affects supply chains. I’m looking into it.”
When a journalist attempted to clarify that inflation is primarily caused by monetary policy and supply chain disruptions, Trump rolled his eyes and dismissed the explanation as ‘boring economist talk.’
The Trump Solution: A Completely Incoherent Plan
To combat inflation, Trump announced a set of bold economic policies that make little to no sense:
- A “Patriot Price Freeze” – Forcing businesses to return prices to 2019 levels, but “only for true Americans, not the radical left.”
- A ‘Tariff on Inflation’ – Trump suggested placing a 100% tax on ‘anything that gets more expensive’ to “punish inflation for being too high.”
- Drilling for More Oil – Despite being told that oil production doesn’t directly lower grocery prices, Trump insisted that “more oil makes everything better, always.”
- Banning Windmills – “They’re ruining our landscapes, they’re killing birds, and now I hear they might be making your milk cost more. Not good, folks.”
Wall Street Reacts: Confusion and Chaos
As Trump continued his speech, the stock market experienced record volatility, rising and crashing multiple times per minute as traders struggled to make sense of his statements.
- Oil prices briefly plummeted when Trump threatened to “dig a hole so deep we hit more oil than Saudi Arabia.”
- Tech stocks collapsed after he declared that “artificial intelligence might be inflating our money, and we have to stop it.”
- Wind energy stocks surged as traders speculated that Trump’s attack on windmills might paradoxically make them more valuable.
One hedge fund manager described the situation as:
“The market is basically reacting like a confused child watching their parents fight. Nobody knows what’s happening, but they know it’s not good.”
Inflation Continues, Trump Declares Victory Anyway
Despite economic experts warning that none of Trump’s proposals would actually reduce inflation, he ended his speech by declaring immediate success.
“Folks, we fixed it. You’re welcome. Prices will go down any second now. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. But it’s happening. And if it doesn’t, it’s definitely Joe Biden’s fault.”
At press time, inflation remained unchanged, but Trump had already moved on to blaming Canada, Starbucks, and “probably Europe” for the crisis.
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