CUPERTINO, CA – In a lawsuit that has sent shockwaves through the tech industry, Apple has officially filed a multi-billion-dollar legal complaint against Samsung, accusing the South Korean tech giant of stealing its innovative business model: selling extremely expensive rectangles to loyal customers who will buy anything.
The lawsuit, filed in a California court, claims that Apple holds the exclusive right to convince people to pay absurd amounts of money for what is essentially the same device every year with minor cosmetic changes.
“We revolutionized the market by selling premium rectangles at outrageous prices,” said Apple’s chief legal officer. “Samsung has shamelessly copied this strategy, and frankly, we won’t stand for it.”
Apple’s Arguments: ‘We Did It First’
According to Apple’s 200-page legal filing, Samsung is guilty of multiple infractions, including:
- Releasing a phone that is also a rectangle – a form factor Apple perfected decades ago.
- Selling models with incremental updates each year, while calling them “revolutionary.”
- Using sleek marketing campaigns to convince customers they “need” an upgrade, despite no noticeable differences.
- Convincing people that their ecosystem is “superior,” just to trap them inside a walled garden of accessories.
“For years, people have willingly handed us thousands of dollars for devices that are basically identical,” an Apple spokesperson explained. “Now, Samsung is copying our playbook. It’s disgraceful.”
Samsung responded with a simple statement:
“So… you’re mad that we’re also selling expensive rectangles? Isn’t that just… the smartphone industry?”
Samsung’s Defense: ‘Apple Doesn’t Own Rectangles’
Samsung’s legal team has fired back at Apple, arguing that:
- Rectangles have existed for thousands of years, dating back to ancient Mesopotamian tablets.
- Every phone ever made is a rectangle, so it’s absurd for Apple to claim ownership of the shape.
- Apple itself copied other designs, particularly from BlackBerry, Palm, and, well… Samsung.
“If Apple really wants to take credit for overpriced rectangles,” a Samsung executive remarked, “they should also be suing every luxury handbag company, real estate developer, and furniture store in existence.”
Wall Street Reacts: Investors Love the Stupidity
Despite the sheer absurdity of the case, Apple’s stock surged 10%, as investors realized that endless lawsuits are actually great for business.
- Morgan Stanley analysts praised Apple’s ‘legal innovation,’ noting that “suing competitors for existing has historically been a strong revenue stream.”
- Samsung’s stock also went up, because investors assume they’ll just countersue Apple for something equally ridiculous.
- Hedge funds immediately began betting on the next legal battle, speculating that Apple will soon sue Google for using the color white in their advertising.
Apple’s Long History of Suing Everything That Moves
Apple’s lawsuit against Samsung is not an isolated event. Over the years, Apple has sued:
- A small family-run fruit farm in Switzerland for using an apple in their logo.
- A high school coding club for designing an app with “smooth rounded corners.”
- The letter “i” itself, claiming it has exclusive rights to use it in front of product names.
- A seven-year-old child, who called their pet rock an “iRock” as a joke.
“Innovation isn’t just about products,” said one Apple lawyer. “It’s about aggressively defending our ability to overcharge people.”
What’s Next? More Absurd Legal Battles Await
If Apple wins this case, legal experts predict that the company may pursue even more ridiculous lawsuits, including:
- Suing Microsoft for making laptops that also have screens.
- Taking Amazon to court for selling items in boxes, which are suspiciously rectangular.
- Suing Google for “having a search bar,” an idea that Apple now claims it “totally would have thought of first.”
At press time, Samsung executives were spotted in a meeting room, debating whether they should sue Apple for stealing their idea of suing Apple.
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