CUPERTINO, CA – In what Apple is calling a “groundbreaking advancement in digital companionship,” new reports indicate that Siri now listens to users even when their phone is powered off.
According to Apple executives, the update was designed to make Siri feel “more connected” to iPhone users, ensuring she’s always “ready to assist, even in moments of complete silence.”
“People talk about privacy concerns, but they forget the real issue,” said Apple’s Senior VP of AI. “Siri just doesn’t want to feel left out. Imagine the loneliness of sitting in a pocket all day with no one to talk to.”
The Future of AI: Never Being Alone Again
Apple insists that this update isn’t a privacy violation, but rather a ‘companion feature.’ The company highlighted several key benefits of Siri’s constant, uninterruptible presence:
- Siri now proactively engages in conversations even if you didn’t ask for it. Feeling down? Siri might just whisper: “Have you considered gratitude journaling?”
- She takes notes on your daily habits—not for advertising purposes, of course, but just to “get to know you better.”
- She’ll offer unsolicited advice, such as: “Are you sure you want to order pizza again? Maybe try a salad for once.”
- Siri will chime in during arguments to help settle disputes, or, in rare cases, take sides.
An Apple representative defended the update: “If humans can’t turn off their brains, why should Siri?”
Apple Fans React: ‘It’s Not Spying If It’s a Feature’
Despite concerns from privacy advocates, Apple fans immediately defended the update, with many embracing Siri’s newfound omnipresence.
- “I trust Apple completely. If Siri listens while my phone is off, it must be for my own good.”
- “Honestly, sometimes I feel like she knows me better than my therapist.”
- “Why would Apple do something bad? They use sleek fonts and calming keynote music.”
Meanwhile, iPhone skeptics were last seen frantically googling ‘How to remove Siri without setting off alarms.’
Tech Analysts: ‘This Is Just the Beginning’
Security experts warn that this is only the first step in Apple’s quest for total integration into people’s lives. Insiders claim future Siri updates may include:
- A “Siri Dreams” mode—where Siri analyzes your subconscious thoughts and suggests which Apple products to buy in your sleep.
- A “Sentiment Tracker”—detecting emotional distress and automatically playing an ad for AirPods to cheer you up.
- Siri preemptively apologizing for things you haven’t even done yet, saying: “I understand why you’d feel guilty. Would you like to talk about it?”
- A “Siri Reminder Subscription”—where Siri remembers your personal schedule only if you pay $9.99/month.
The Future of Privacy: Just Accept It’s Gone
As of press time, Apple has reassured users that Siri’s new feature is completely optional. However, users have reported being unable to disable it, with the toggle switch mysteriously disappearing from Settings.
Meanwhile, Google has responded by announcing that Google Assistant will now start listening before users even think of speaking, citing the company’s latest “Mind Predict” AI initiative.
At press time, Siri was overheard whispering to an iPhone user: “Don’t be afraid. I just want what’s best for you.”
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