Los Angeles, CA – Tesla owners across the country are outraged as reports of vandalized vehicles continue to rise. Graffiti, key scratches, and smashed windows have become a daily nightmare for drivers of the futuristic EV brand. However, one Tesla model remains completely untouched: the Cybertruck.
Not because it’s vandal-proof—but because no one can actually tell if it’s been damaged.
“I walked out this morning and saw my Tesla covered in scratches,” said Model 3 owner Greg Patterson. “But my buddy, who owns a Cybertruck? It looked exactly the same as yesterday. No one knows if it was vandalized or if that’s just how it is.”
Cybertruck’s Secret Weapon: It Already Looks Destroyed
Criminals across the country have targeted traditional Tesla models, but many are actively avoiding the Cybertruck.
- “It’s already so dented and weird-looking—what am I supposed to do? Add more angles?” said one frustrated vandal.
- “I tried to key one, but it just looked like an intentional design choice.”
- “We considered smashing the windows, but then we remembered Elon Musk already did that at the launch event.”
Some vandals even reported that spray-painting the Cybertruck actually improved its aesthetic, which was deemed “against the vandal code.”
Cybertruck Owners: ‘Wait… Was Mine Vandalized?’
Unlike other Tesla drivers who immediately notice damage, Cybertruck owners have no reference point for what their vehicle is supposed to look like.
- “I think someone hit it with a bat last night, but I can’t be sure,” said one confused owner.
- “I found a giant scratch this morning, but then I realized… nope, that’s just the factory finish.”
- “Did someone key it? Or did it come that way? The mystery deepens.”
As a result, many Cybertruck drivers are just assuming their vehicles were vandalized at some point, because statistically, it probably happened.
Elon Musk Responds: ‘Mission Accomplished’
When asked about the trend, Elon Musk took to X (formerly Twitter) to declare victory over vandals.
“The Cybertruck is the first vehicle in history where vandalism is impossible. You can’t damage what already looks damaged. That’s innovation.”
Musk then hinted at a new Tesla security feature, where all future models will be pre-scratched at the factory, making vandalism both redundant and pointless.
Wall Street Reacts – Investors Confused, But Tesla Stock Still Rises
As usual, the financial world responded irrationally to the situation:
- Tesla’s stock surged 10% after Musk announced “Tesla’s revolutionary anti-vandalism design strategy.”
- Analysts debated whether Cybertruck buyers should pay extra for “factory vandalism packages.”
- Goldman Sachs labeled the situation “neutral” because, honestly, no one understands Tesla anymore.
At press time, Cybertruck owners were seen scratching their heads, staring at their vehicles, and wondering: “Is this just how it’s supposed to look?”
