Negotiating a higher salary can be intimidating—but don’t worry! We’ve got you covered with ten absolutely foolproof, entirely ineffective strategies to ensure your next salary negotiation goes exactly nowhere. Follow these carefully to maintain your status as the office’s most underpaid legend.
1. Whisper Your Salary Demand
Speak so softly your employer must lean uncomfortably close. This creates mystery, suspense, and ensures your boss won’t have a clue what you actually want—brilliant.
2. Insist on Payment in Dogecoin
Real cash is overrated. Demand your salary exclusively in meme-based cryptocurrencies, and watch your boss’s confusion soar, along with your financial instability.
3. Bring Your Emotional Support Iguana
Nothing screams professionalism like a reptile. Your iguana will establish dominance, show you’re unpredictable, and confirm you are indeed a risk—not worth the salary you’re requesting.
4. Use a Crystal Ball to Predict Your Value
Before answering questions about your desired salary, dramatically peer into a crystal ball. Whisper cryptic statements like, “I see much wealth in my future,” before accidentally knocking it off the table.
5. Have Your Parents Join the Negotiation
Bring mom and dad along to tell embarrassing stories from your childhood, proving conclusively that you deserve a raise purely out of sympathy or embarrassment.
6. Immediately Burst Into Tears
If all else fails, cry uncontrollably. Employers love emotional chaos—it reassures them they made the right choice in hiring a stable professional like yourself.
7. Provide References From Your Imaginary Friend
Why use real references when “Mr. Snugglesworth,” your imaginary childhood companion, can vouch for your abilities, punctuality, and unmatched skills in avoiding responsibilities?
8. Insist on a Salary Paid Entirely in Gift Cards
Cash can be wasted, but gift cards? That’s financial security. Demand your entire salary in Starbucks cards, then live on overpriced coffee and muffins forever.
9. Refuse to Say a Number – Just Stare
When asked about your desired salary, stare silently at your boss without blinking. The discomfort will be palpable, and you’ll quickly be escorted out of the negotiation, successfully avoiding a raise.
10. Wear a Crown and Speak in Third Person
Enter the negotiation wearing a crown and refer to yourself only as “The Negotiator.” For example: “The Negotiator demands more gold!” Your boss will definitely recognize your true value—though perhaps not financially.
Now you’re perfectly equipped to handle salary negotiations the worst possible way. Good luck, and remember: financial stability is overrated anyway!
