SILICON VALLEY – In his latest and most ambitious move yet, billionaire investor Peter Thiel has announced plans to purchase an entire sovereign nation and run it not as a government, but as a hedge fund.
Thiel, known for his libertarian views, dark visions of the future, and an almost vampiric fascination with immortality, confirmed his plans during an exclusive conference attended only by billionaires, tech founders, and select world leaders who had already accepted early-stage investments.
“Democracy is outdated. Governance should be treated like a market,” Thiel explained. “And if hedge funds can make companies more efficient, why not use the same approach for an entire country?”
Which Country? Experts Say ‘Probably One That’s Desperate’
Although Thiel has not yet confirmed which country he plans to buy, sources close to him say he is exploring options that include:
- A small, debt-ridden island nation that can be bought for less than the cost of a failed crypto exchange.
- A struggling Eastern European microstate looking for a “bold new economic experiment” (Translation: willing to sell out to the highest bidder).
- A former British colony that still isn’t sure if it’s independent.
Rumors suggest Thiel’s top choice is an obscure Pacific island where the local population hasn’t yet heard of venture capital or private equity.
“The best investments are underappreciated markets,” said one of Thiel’s advisors. “What’s more underappreciated than a country nobody even knows exists?”
How the Country Will Function – ‘Like a Hedge Fund, But for Citizens’
Thiel’s nation-state experiment will operate on pure market principles, meaning:
- Citizenship is a tradable asset. Prices fluctuate based on market demand—citizenship for high-net-worth individuals starts at $10 million.
- Laws will be based on shareholder votes. Each citizen gets one vote—unless they own more than 10% of the country, in which case they can change the laws entirely.
- Taxes will be optional—but so will government services. Roads, hospitals, and education will only exist if they generate a profit.
- The national currency will be a Thiel-backed cryptocurrency. All transactions must be conducted in “ThielCoin,” a digital asset that automatically depreciates if you criticize the government.
- Social programs will be replaced by performance-based contracts. If you want healthcare, you’ll need a good credit score and a solid LinkedIn profile.
“I believe in a government that rewards innovation,” Thiel stated. “If you’re poor, maybe you should ask yourself: have you considered starting a disruptive AI company?”
World Leaders React – Mostly With Panic
As news of Thiel’s nation-buying scheme spread, world governments scrambled to react.
- The United Nations issued a statement calling the plan ‘deeply unethical’—but privately asked if they could invest.
- China called the move ‘Western capitalist nonsense’—while secretly developing its own state-backed startup nation.
- European Union officials laughed for 30 seconds—until they realized he was completely serious.
- Elon Musk tweeted his support, calling it ‘The Future of Sovereignty™’ and immediately announced plans to colonize a competing nation on Mars.
Meanwhile, the United States Government is reportedly “closely monitoring the situation”—though sources inside Washington say there’s a real fear that some U.S. states might actually try to copy the model.
Final Outcome: It’s Happening, Whether We Like It or Not
Despite global outcry, financial analysts predict Thiel’s country will likely succeed, simply because there’s too much money in it to fail.
At press time:
- Goldman Sachs announced an investment round to “optimize” the country’s GDP.
- Venture capitalists were already preparing a SPAC to take Thiel’s government public.
- **Several U.S. billionaires were seen **lining up to buy citizenship—just in case democracy in America “gets too socialist.”
When asked whether he would actually live in his new country, Thiel smiled and said:
“Oh no, I’ll still keep my main residence in California—this is just a side project.”
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