Washington, D.C. – Investors braced for impact this week as Donald Trump announced a sweeping new round of tariffs on virtually everything, including steel, cars, electronics, and, for some reason, Canadian geese. Market analysts scrambled to make sense of the latest policy shift, while economists collectively sighed and prepared for another round of “explaining basic economics to people who refuse to listen.”
Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, President Donald Trump assured reporters that tariffs were the key to making the stock market “TREMENDOUSLY strong.”
“We’re bringing back American jobs, folks. We’re putting tariffs on China, tariffs on Europe, tariffs on Canada—because honestly, Canada? Very sneaky. You wouldn’t believe it. But the biggest, most beautiful tariffs? On American companies that outsource jobs!”
When a reporter pointed out that tariffs on American companies would mean they are now paying extra to operate in their own country, Trump nodded proudly.
“Exactly. Now they have to stay here. It’s called strategy, okay? Maybe if Sleepy Joe had tariffs, he wouldn’t be so sleepy!”
Wall Street Reacts: Pure Chaos, As Expected
As expected, the stock market reacted with all the grace of a cat being thrown into a bathtub.
- The Dow Jones initially crashed 800 points, then mysteriously rebounded after Elon Musk tweeted something cryptic about Dogecoin.
- Amazon stock tumbled after Jeff Bezos flew to Washington in a panic, trying to explain to Trump that Amazon was an American company. Trump refused to believe him.
- Tesla briefly became the most valuable company on Earth after Trump forgot that it was a U.S. company and mistakenly tweeted, “We need to DESTROY Tesla!!”
- Gold prices soared as confused investors remembered that shiny rocks don’t get hit with tariffs.
“This is just how the market works now,” said one exhausted hedge fund manager. “You wake up, you see what Trump tweeted, and then you either sell everything or buy everything. It’s less ‘finance’ and more ‘high-stakes gambling on the mood swings of a 78-year-old man.’”
Trump’s Economic Explanation: A Trainwreck
When pressed on how exactly his tariffs would impact the economy, Trump launched into a meandering 20-minute speech that contained, at best, two actual sentences.
“Tariffs? They’re incredible. You know, Abraham Lincoln had tariffs. People don’t know this, but Lincoln was actually a big fan of tariffs. And you know who hated tariffs? The Europeans. And guess what? They lost! Coincidence? I don’t think so!”
At one point, Trump accidentally started explaining how interest rates work, confused himself, and changed the subject to golf course maintenance.
Economists Enter Full Despair Mode
As Trump’s tariff policy continued to spiral, economists around the world collectively lost their minds.
- The Federal Reserve attempted to issue a statement, but it was just a single-page document that read “We give up.”
- Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman was last seen screaming into a pillow.
- CNBC briefly suspended programming after Jim Cramer became physically incapable of forming coherent sentences on live TV.
“I’ve been studying economics for 40 years,” said one analyst. “And never in my life have I seen a policy so completely detached from reality. But sure, let’s see how this plays out.”
Final Outcome: Nobody Knows Anything Anymore
At press time, the stock market had somehow fully recovered, because investors had simply stopped trying to understand things.
“Look, the market’s gonna do what the market does,” shrugged one Wall Street trader. “We all know he’s gonna change his mind by next week. Might as well just buy Apple and call it a day.”
Meanwhile, Trump was already onto a new economic policy: proposing tariffs on Mars, claiming that the “Martians have been getting a free ride for too long.”
Craving more news? Donald Trump grants Google Maps unprecedented geopolitical power, while Elon Musk casually buys the sun.
