WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a groundbreaking executive order that will forever reshape global diplomacy, President Trump has officially granted Google Maps the exclusive right to determine which countries are real, which ones disappear, and which ones are simply “suggested locations.” The move, hailed by Silicon Valley as “a long-overdue modernization of international borders,” has already sparked confusion, outrage, and, in some cases, unexpected celebrations.
At a press conference held in front of a massive digital globe projected from Google Earth, Donald Trump praised the decision as “the greatest breakthrough in geography since Christopher Columbus invented America.”
“Look, maps are complicated. Too many countries, too many weird names. No one knows what’s real anymore,” Trump explained. “So I said, ‘Why not let the best, the smartest, the most incredible company in the world handle it?’ And folks, Google’s got the best maps, the best algorithms—nobody maps better than Google, believe me.”
“If Google Says It, It Must Be True”
Under the new policy, any territory not labeled on Google Maps will cease to exist in the eyes of the U.S. government. This includes disputed regions, rogue nations, and any country that refuses to sign a trade deal favoring American interests.
“If Google says a country isn’t there, then guess what? It’s not there,” a White House spokesperson clarified. “You think that tiny country you’re from is important? Well, let’s check. Oh, look—it’s a blank space now. Sorry!”
Instant Consequences: Nations Rise and Fall
Within hours of the announcement, diplomatic chaos erupted worldwide as countries rushed to check their status on Google Maps.
- Taiwan was immediately replaced with an ad for Google Pixel phones.
- Greenland, already questionably real, was relabeled as “A Future Trump Golf Resort.”
- Liechtenstein was merged into Switzerland because, according to Google, “it’s basically the same thing.”
- Canada’s borders were adjusted so that all of its major cities were now part of “Northern America 2.0, powered by Google Fiber.”
Meanwhile, some leaders saw an opportunity in the digital reordering of the world.
- The President of Portugal immediately changed his country’s name to “First Search Result for Best Country.”
- North Korea, eager to avoid digital oblivion, started aggressively bidding on Google Ads for the phrase “Real Country, Definitely Exists.”
U.S. Foreign Policy Now Runs on Google Algorithms
As part of the new agreement, Google’s search algorithm will also determine America’s official diplomatic priorities. Nations that rank high for searches like “best trade partners” and “countries that love freedom” will receive preferential treatment, while those that appear next to phrases like “economic collapse” and “how to emigrate ASAP” may find themselves digitally erased.
“It’s the fairest system ever,” said Secretary of State Jared Kushner. “Countries with good SEO will thrive. Those that don’t? Well, maybe they should have thought about that before choosing such unsearchable names. Looking at you, Kyrgyzstan.”
Trump, upon hearing that “Best Countries to Invest In” currently lists Germany and Japan above the U.S., ordered an immediate adjustment to the Google search results, stating:
“That’s fake news. America should be first. Always first. We’re gonna fix that, folks.”
Google CEO: “This Is a Great Responsibility… But Also Hilarious”
Google CEO Sundar Pichai acknowledged the immense power his company now holds over global geography but reassured the public that all decisions will be made through rigorous data-driven processes—or, failing that, a “fun office poll at Google HQ.”
“We take this role very seriously,” Pichai stated. “Determining the existence of entire nations is no small task. But at the same time, we can’t wait to see what happens when we rename France to ‘Baguetteland’ for a day just to see how people react.”
As the world adapts to its new map-determined reality, Google has also introduced a premium subscription model for countries wishing to remain visible.
“For just $99 a month, your nation can enjoy top search placement, automatic map verification, and protection from accidental deletion,” Pichai announced.
Final Thoughts: Will the Rest of the World Accept It?
Reactions from global leaders remain mixed. While some are embracing the new power structure, others fear that they could soon vanish from existence with a single algorithm update.
“What happens if Google accidentally deletes the United Kingdom?” asked a concerned British diplomat.
“Well,” replied a U.S. official, “I guess that means it wasn’t that important after all.”
In the meantime, world leaders have reportedly started paying Google engineers under the table to ensure their nations remain on the map—proving once and for all that, in the 21st century, reality is whatever Silicon Valley decides it to be.
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