To combat the woke mind virus, the world’s richest man takes unprecedented action. An exclusive story by The Stonk Market.
“After years of excessive drug use, my mind has finally cleared. I was a fool to believe I needed to revolutionize the automobile industry by founding Tesla. That chapter is over, and I can finally rid myself of the woke mind virus,” Elon Musk declared today.
The Tesla “founder” – or rather, the man who acquired Tesla early on and ensured his name appeared as “Founder” in all official documents – has sold his entire stake in the company, sending shockwaves through Wall Street.
Climate Change? A Hoax, Apparently
The son of affluent South African elites, whose Tesla shares were valued at 164 Billion USD, now intends to shift his focus to other projects. “My mission remains unchanged: colonizing Mars and building a thriving civilization there,” Musk explained while vaguely gesturing toward the sun. He dismissed climate change as “a fabricated narrative pushed by Democrats to sabotage the U.S. economy.”
“I don’t see how the climate is changing. Every year has record temperatures, and there have always been wildfires devastating Los Angeles. That’s just nature!” Musk added confidently.
Tesla Stock Soars – As Expected
Despite the seemingly catastrophic news, Tesla’s stock surged to an all-time high. “When Tesla reports declining sales, the stock jumps by 10%. When the company delivers good news, it rises by 30%. This is a completely rational market reaction,” explained an analyst who claims to have deep insight into Tesla’s valuation.
Meanwhile, within the Tesla investor community, panic set in. “Every time I see ‘Tesla’ in the news, I buy more shares. That’s my entire investment strategy. When I heard that Elon Musk had dumped all his stock, my heart stopped beating for two full minutes. What a shock!” confessed a self-proclaimed Tesla superfan, who exclusively trades using his father’s money.
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