OTTAWA – In a bold act of retaliation against U.S. tariffs, Canada has abandoned conventional economic warfare in favor of a far more insidious weapon: overwhelming politeness. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has officially launched “Operation Sorry Storm,” a nationwide effort to bombard America with an unprecedented wave of handwritten apologies, excessive kindness, and unsolicited acts of consideration.
“We could have raised tariffs, but that’s just not very Canadian,” Trudeau said at a press conference, adjusting his impeccably moisturized hands. “Instead, we’ve chosen the ultimate act of psychological warfare: relentless, unstoppable politeness.“
Millions of “Sorry Letters” Flood America
Within hours, U.S. citizens began reporting an alarming surge of apologetic correspondence from their northern neighbors.
“I opened my mailbox and there were six letters from Canadians just saying ‘Sorry for any inconvenience, eh?’” said a confused Texan. “I don’t even know these people. What inconvenience?”
In Michigan, local authorities issued a statewide alert after residents received letters apologizing for past hockey victories and offering free coupons for Tim Hortons.
Meanwhile, the situation escalated further when Canada deployed its ultimate weapon: overly considerate text messages.
“My phone hasn’t stopped buzzing with ‘Just checking in, hope you’re doing okay!’ messages from Canadians I’ve never met,” complained one Floridian. “At first, I thought it was nice. Now I feel emotionally cornered.”
Trump Struggles to Respond – “I Don’t Understand These Words”
At a hastily arranged emergency meeting in the White House, President Donald Trump was briefed on the Canadian attack. His advisors presented him with a sample letter from a Toronto resident, which read:
“Dear Neighbor, I just wanted to say sorry if our cold weather ever drifts south. Also, I hope you’re having a really nice day! Stay warm! Love, Chad from Toronto.”
Trump reportedly stared at the letter in total confusion for several minutes before calling for a translator.
“These are not real words. Where’s the part where they attack me? Where’s the insult?” Trump demanded, flipping the letter over.
White House staff brought in a Canadian politeness expert, who attempted to explain concepts like “sincere goodwill” and “basic human decency.”
“Sir, ‘hope you’re having a nice day’ is not a coded threat. It’s just… nice.”
“Impossible,” Trump scoffed. “Nobody says nice things unless they want something. This is fake news.”
The situation worsened when Trump attempted to draft a response but struggled to find polite words in his vocabulary.
“I need a word for when you pretend to care about someone but you actually don’t,” he told aides.
“That’s… just caring, Mr. President,” an aide replied.
Frustrated, Trump abandoned the effort and instead proposed launching an airstrike on a Tim Hortons before being reminded that Canada is technically an ally.
Psychological Toll on America
As “Sorry Storm” continues, psychological experts warn that Americans are unprepared to handle sustained exposure to extreme politeness.
“Many Americans are used to passive-aggressive ‘Have a blessed day’-style politeness, but this is different,” said Dr. Lisa Reynolds, a behavioral scientist. “These apologies are so pure, so genuine… Americans simply have no defense.”
Reports indicate that U.S. citizens have begun experiencing a range of side effects, including:
- Increased feelings of guilt for no reason
- Sudden urges to apologize back
- Uncontrollable politeness spirals where both parties refuse to hang up the phone first
Some Americans, overwhelmed by the kindness, have reportedly fled to X, where they seek refuge in the comforting hostility of the internet.
Canada Threatens to Send Nicest People to Washington
As the crisis deepens, Canada has threatened to escalate by sending its friendliest, most wholesome citizens directly to Washington D.C.
“If this continues, we may be forced to deploy an elite squad of grandmothers who will bake cookies and tell U.S. senators that they’re proud of them,” Trudeau warned.
American officials, realizing the devastating potential of genuine human warmth, are scrambling to negotiate an end to hostilities.
“Fine, we’ll lower the tariffs,” an exhausted U.S. trade representative sighed. “Just… please, no more ‘thinking of you’ notes.”
Meanwhile, in Ottawa, Trudeau smiled, knowing that Canada had won without firing a single shot – only hugs, handwritten letters, and an endless barrage of gentle, soul-crushing kindness.
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