WASHINGTON, D.C. – Donald Trump has declared that Canada’s growing boycott of American-made products is “totally unfair, possibly illegal, and extremely disrespectful.” To rectify the situation, he has issued a formal demand that Canada “apologize immediately” and send the U.S. a free NHL hockey team as compensation.
“They’re being very, very nasty to America. Okay? Very nasty. Canada used to be nice. But now? No respect. No respect at all,” Donald Trump fumed. “So here’s the deal: They stop this ridiculous boycott, they apologize, and they give us a hockey team—one of the good ones, not some loser team.“
Trump’s Strange Hockey Demands Confuse Everyone
Trump, who has never been known for his deep knowledge of hockey, went on to specify which teams he would accept as compensation.
“We’ll take the Toronto Maple Leafs. Great franchise. Historic. Beautiful arena. Or maybe the Montreal Canadiens—they sound a little too French, but whatever. But we do NOT want the Ottawa Senators. Too political. Hate that name.“
His statement immediately confused both sports analysts and diplomats, as no international policy framework has ever involved the forced transfer of professional sports teams to settle trade disputes.
“This is… not how international trade works,” said one baffled Canadian trade official. “Also, the Senators? Nobody in Canada even wants them. He can have them for free.“
Canada Responds – By Trolling Trump Even Harder
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, when asked about Trump’s demands, tried to keep a straight face before bursting into laughter.
“We appreciate President Trump’s enthusiasm for hockey,” Trudeau said. “But unfortunately, Canadian teams are not up for trade. However, if he’s interested, we’d be happy to send him some snow.“
Canadian Twitter users immediately escalated the trolling, with thousands of posts suggesting even more “gifts” for Trump, including:
- A single Tim Hortons donut (half-eaten)
- Wayne Gretzky’s used hockey stick (without the blade)
- A moose with an attitude problem
- Free lifetime passes to a curling club in Manitoba
Meanwhile, Canadian hockey teams began rebranding themselves just to make sure Trump wouldn’t want them. The Vancouver Canucks quickly announced they were now the “Vancouver Trudeau Lovers.”
The NHL Weighs In – And Immediately Regrets It
As the situation escalated, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman was forced to comment, stating that “the NHL is not a geopolitical bargaining chip” and that “Canada cannot simply trade a hockey team like it’s a box of maple syrup.“
However, his statement only made things worse, as Trump interpreted it as proof that Canada was hoarding its hockey teams to spite him.
“Now they’re saying they won’t give us a team? Terrible! Terrible! The NHL is rigged! Just like the election!” Trump fumed on Truth Social.
Shortly afterward, Trump announced he would launch his own hockey league, tentatively named the “America First Hockey League” (AFHL) where teams would only be allowed to play if they could prove they had never lost to a Canadian team.
Trump Completely Loses Interest
Despite days of escalating rhetoric, the situation ended as most Trump-related crises do—with him completely forgetting about it the moment something else caught his attention.
At press time, Trump had moved on to a new controversy, tweeting:
“Forget Canada. Boring. Overrated! Have you seen the price of Diet Coke lately? INFLATION! SAD!!“
Meanwhile, Canada had quietly continued its boycott, leading U.S. brands to suffer massive losses… except for one unexpected winner: Dunkin’ Donuts, which suddenly became Canada’s top-selling coffee chain, just out of spite.
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