Cupertino, CA – In response to Donald Trump’s ever-changing tariff threats, Apple has taken an unprecedented step: CEO Tim Cook has officially refused to disclose where iPhones are being manufactured.
“Given the unpredictability of U.S. trade policy, it’s simply easier if no one knows where our factories are,” Cook stated in an emergency investor call. “Not our customers, not our suppliers, and especially not the White House.”
This move, dubbed “Stealth Manufacturing”, is Apple’s latest attempt to navigate Trump’s constantly shifting economic policies without collapsing under the uncertainty.
Apple’s New Strategy: “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tariff”
Since Trump’s return to office, Apple has been repeatedly blindsided by surprise tariffs, announced at random times and often with conflicting details.
- One week, Chinese imports faced a 25% tariff.
- The next, Donald Trump declared that “China is great now” and lifted them.
- Days later, he reintroduced tariffs, but only on products that start with the letter “I.”
After weeks of trying to revise supply chains in real-time, Apple executives decided on a simpler solution: just stop telling anyone where iPhones come from.
“If Trump doesn’t know where our factories are, he can’t tariff them,” one Apple insider explained.
Where Are iPhones Actually Made? No One Knows.
Industry analysts have been scrambling to figure out where Apple’s manufacturing operations have disappeared to.
- Some believe Apple has moved production to an undisclosed island in the Pacific, where iPhones are allegedly assembled by anonymous workers flown in on private jets.
- Others suspect Apple has decentralized production entirely, with different components being built in secret locations worldwide and smuggled across borders like high-tech contraband.
- One theory even suggests Apple is producing iPhones entirely in the Metaverse, a move which saves on tariffs but has made actual iPhones impossible to hold.
Trump Responds: ‘I’ll Find Those Factories!’
Predictably, Trump was furious upon learning that Apple had hidden its manufacturing locations.
“Disgusting! Very unfair! Apple is HIDING, folks, just like Crooked Hillary HID HER EMAILS!” Trump raged on Truth Social. “I’ll find those factories, believe me. I have the best people. We’re gonna tariff Apple so hard they’ll be making flip phones again!”
In response, the White House has launched an official “Find the Factories” task force, led by a team of economists, intelligence officials, and one guy who just really enjoys maps.
Wall Street’s Reaction – The Market Loves Secrecy
Despite the controversy, Apple’s stock price soared following the announcement of “Stealth Manufacturing.”
- Hedge funds praised the move, with one analyst stating, “Apple has effectively turned the supply chain into a classified military operation. Brilliant!”
- Google immediately announced plans to follow suit, vowing to hide its Pixel phone production “somewhere no one will ever think to look.” (Analysts suspect Ohio.)
- Conspiracy theorists were ecstatic, with some now believing iPhones are actually built inside Area 51.
The iPhone Remains, But Its Origins Are a Mystery
At press time, Apple had successfully shipped millions of new iPhones, despite the fact that no one—not even Apple executives—knows where they were built.
Meanwhile, Trump had issued a new executive order demanding that all American companies “be more transparent”, before immediately refusing to release his own tax returns.
Craving more news? Meanwhile, Donald Trump seizes control of the church, while Elon Musk unveils a scandalous new Tesla model.
