WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has left economists speechless, Iran has officially extended an offer to help the United States navigate its growing economic crisis, providing a detailed “Sanctions Survival Guide” based on its own experience of thriving under global restrictions. President Donald Trump, however, has rejected the proposal outright, calling it “an insult” and “totally unnecessary.”
“Look, we don’t need help from Iran,” Donald Trump declared in a hastily organized press conference. “America is doing fantastic. We have so much money, so much economy, just tremendous economy, okay? Nobody is better at economy than me.”
Despite Trump’s confident denial of economic trouble, markets tell a different story. Inflation is skyrocketing, the U.S. dollar has lost 80% of its value in two years, and Walmart is now accepting eggs as legal tender.
Iran’s Offer: ‘Trust Us, We’ve Been Through This’
Iran’s comprehensive economic survival guide is based on decades of experience in handling extreme financial isolation and includes practical advice such as:
- “How to Keep an Economy Alive When No One Will Trade With You”
- “Turning Local Currency Into a Fun Collectible Instead of an Actual Financial Instrument”
- “Bribery: An Underrated Alternative to Free Markets”
- “Why Bartering Gold for Food Is Making a Comeback
- “How to Pretend You’re Winning Even as Your Economy Collapses” (Foreword by Donald Trump)
A spokesman for the Iranian Ministry of Economic Resilience explained the gesture:
“We see what’s happening in America right now, and honestly, we just feel bad for them. The way they’re isolating themselves, printing money like there’s no tomorrow, and angering every country that used to trade with them… it’s like watching someone copy your homework but doing it way worse.”
Trump Rejects Offer, Doubles Down on ‘America First (and Only)’
Despite America’s growing struggles, Donald Trump has dismissed Iran’s guide as “fake news from the Ayatollahs”, instead opting for his own “America First (and Only)” economic strategy.
- Step 1: Stop Trading With Everyone – Trump has doubled down on tariffs and bans that have cut the U.S. off from global supply chains, leading to record-high prices on everything from iPhones to milk.
- Step 2: Print More Money – The Federal Reserve has been ordered to produce “as many dollars as possible”, leading to the introduction of the new $1,000,000 bill, featuring Trump giving a thumbs-up.
- Step 3: Blame Foreigners – When asked about inflation, Trump responded: “It’s China’s fault. Or maybe Canada’s. Could be Mexico. Definitely Europe. Look, we’re investigating.”
Economic analysts warn that America is essentially recreating Iran’s economic struggles but in a much dumber way.
“Iran had to deal with global sanctions imposed by the U.S. and its allies,” explained one Harvard economist. “America, on the other hand, is sanctioning itself just to prove a point.”
Wall Street Reacts: ‘Maybe Iran Knows Something We Don’t’
The New York Stock Exchange crashed 12% upon hearing that Iran’s economy is now considered “more stable” than the U.S. Meanwhile, investors are reportedly shifting their portfolios to Tehran’s stock market, which, according to some experts, “at least has a functioning strategy.”
- JP Morgan has opened an office in Tehran, stating that “American banks need somewhere reliable to invest.”
- The Iranian Rial is now outperforming the U.S. dollar, as Americans start buying Iranian assets just to hedge against Trump’s financial chaos.
- Elon Musk tweeted, “Might relocate Tesla HQ to Tehran. Just seems more stable these days.”
Final Outcome: Trump Stands Firm as U.S. Spirals Further
At press time, Trump was seen proudly holding a printout of an old Forbes article calling him a “great businessman”, while Iran has quietly started buying up American farmland in preparation for the inevitable collapse.
Meanwhile, in a stunning twist, Canada has started offering humanitarian aid to struggling Americans, leading Trump to threaten an “emergency military operation” to seize Canadian maple syrup reserves.
As the U.S. continues to self-sabotage, Iranian officials were last seen watching from afar, shaking their heads, and saying, “We told you so.”
Craving more news? Donald Trump strikes a “really tremendous” deal with Mexico, while Elon Musk teases some electrifying Neuralink news.
