SEATTLE, WA – Amazon founder Jeff Bezos has announced his latest vision for the future: a society where billionaires are revered as gods, and democracy is replaced by a new, “more efficient” system called Amazon Prime Voting.
Speaking at a private event for ultra-wealthy investors, Jeff Bezos unveiled his grand plan to streamline governance, claiming that modern democracy is too slow, inefficient, and—most importantly—fails to acknowledge the superiority of billionaires.
“People say democracy gives power to the people,” Bezos explained, standing in front of a massive golden “Amazon Prime Empire” banner. “But let’s be honest, do ‘the people’ really deserve power? Shouldn’t the ones who control the global economy also control everything else?”
The audience, consisting of hedge fund managers, tech moguls, and at least three space tourism CEOs, responded with thunderous applause.
How Amazon Prime Voting Works
Under Bezos’ new system, citizens will no longer vote in traditional elections. Instead, voting power will be determined by their Amazon Prime membership tier.
The proposed system includes:
- Basic Amazon Prime Members – Get one vote in elections, just like in regular democracy. (Unchanged, but with more ads.)
- Prime Ultra Members ($199/year) – Receive five votes, plus a free trial of Amazon’s new drone delivery system.
- Prime Elite Members ($999/year) – Get 20 votes, a personalized thank-you email from Jeff Bezos, and priority customer service (which still won’t help).
- “Billionaire Prime” Tier ($1 Billion Buy-In) – Grants unlimited votes, full control over local policies, and the ability to launch independent military operations.
“This system isn’t about taking away power from the people,” Bezos clarified. “It’s about giving more power to the right kind of people. You know, the ones who already run everything.”
World Leaders React – Mostly With Panic
As Bezos’ Amazon Prime Voting proposal made headlines, governments worldwide scrambled to respond.
- The U.S. Congress called an emergency session, though most lawmakers refused to comment until they checked their Amazon stock holdings.
- China dismissed the idea as ‘Western capitalist nonsense,’ but secretly started developing their own version called “Alibaba Loyalty Governance.”
- The European Union announced it would ban the system, citing “mild dictatorship concerns.”
- Elon Musk immediately declared support for the plan, tweeting: “Democracy is mid. Let’s just do CyberGovernment instead.”
Meanwhile, financial analysts were divided. Some claimed this was “the natural evolution of capitalism,” while others were last seen screaming into the void.
The Public’s Reaction – A Mix of Fear and Acceptance
Despite the controversy, millions of Amazon customers have already accepted the new system, with many expressing more concern over potential price increases than the destruction of democracy.
- “I don’t love the idea of billionaires ruling everything, but… two-day shipping is nice,” admitted one customer.
- “As long as I can still order toothpaste at 3 AM, I don’t care who’s in charge,” said another.
- “I just hope Bezos doesn’t introduce surge pricing for elections,” commented a political analyst.
At press time, Bezos was seen in a secret underground headquarters, reportedly preparing to launch the next phase of his plan:
Mandatory “Amazon Loyalty Oaths” for all U.S. citizens, in exchange for a lifetime 5% discount on Echo devices.
Craving more news? Greenland throws the U.S. into a full-blown state of emergency, while Warren Buffett goes all-in on a highly unorthodox cryptocurrency.
