NEW YORK – Billionaire genius and self-proclaimed futurist Tony Stark has announced that his iconic Iron Man suit is now “financially unsustainable” due to President Donald Trump’s newly imposed global steel tariffs.
Standing in front of a visibly deteriorating Stark Tower, Stark addressed the media with an uncharacteristically grim expression.
“Look, I’m all for capitalism, but these tariffs are killing me. The Iron Man suit is 90 percent imported steel. Do you know how much it costs to build this thing now? It’s like buying a small country just to fight one alien invasion. I’m thinking of switching to… I don’t know, aluminum? Maybe wood?”
The Cost of Superheroism Just Skyrocketed
Stark revealed that the price of manufacturing his next-generation suit has increased by over 400 percent since the tariffs took effect.
- Original suit cost: $500 million
- New suit cost under Trump’s tariffs: $2 billion
- Alternative materials under consideration: Aluminum, wood, carbon fiber, repurposed Tesla parts
- Likelihood that the new suit survives more than one battle: Near zero
“Vibranium would be an option,” Stark admitted, “but Wakanda refuses to trade with us after Trump called their king ‘a guy in a cat costume.’”
Trump Responds: “Iron Man Should Be More American”
When asked about Iron Man’s financial crisis, President Donald Trump dismissed concerns, claiming Stark should be “building his suits with real American steel, not foreign junk.”
“We have the best steel, folks. The best. We don’t need China, we don’t need Europe, we don’t even need Canada. American superheroes should use American steel. Period.”
However, economic analysts pointed out that Trump’s tariffs have caused American steel prices to skyrocket, making it nearly impossible for Stark to produce his suits domestically at a reasonable cost.
“I ran the numbers,” Stark said. “If I build it in the U.S., the cost per battle goes up to the GDP of Norway. At this point, it’s cheaper to just let Thanos win.”
Wall Street Reacts: Investors Panic as ‘Iron Man Inc.’ Stock Plummets
Following the announcement, Stark Industries’ stock plummeted 75 percent as investors realized that the company’s most valuable product was now more expensive than the U.S. national debt.
- Elon Musk offered to help Stark build a Tesla-powered suit, but Stark rejected the idea, stating: “I don’t need my armor randomly catching fire.”
- Jim Cramer declared Iron Man “dead money” on CNBC, immediately causing the stock to rally 300 percent.
- Amazon offered to supply Stark with Prime-certified “discount steel,” but delivery times were projected to take “between 6 months and never.”
Alternative Suit Designs: The Future of Budget Superheroism
Faced with financial ruin, Stark has begun testing cheaper materials for his next Iron Man suit:
- Wood: Highly flammable, offers great camouflage in forests. Not ideal for urban combat.
- Recycled Tesla parts: Eco-friendly, but prone to randomly entering “self-driving mode” during battle.
- LEGO bricks: Extremely durable, but requires three hours of painful reassembly after each impact.
- 3D-printed plastic: Lightweight, affordable, and completely useless in actual combat.
At press time, Stark was seen consulting with Spider-Man about alternative crime-fighting strategies, including possibly switching to hand-to-hand combat or just outsourcing superhero duties to a cheaper country.
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