WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what he called “the most historic financial event in human history,” President Donald Trump has declared the U.S. IPO a “huge, tremendous success,” boasting that the newly listed “USA” stock has shattered all records within minutes of trading.
Standing on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, draped in a custom-made suit featuring the American flag, Donald Trump took credit for the IPO’s success, despite having no formal role in the offering.
“This is beautiful. America is now a publicly traded company. No more deficits, no more nonsense, just pure, free-market capitalism. We’re going to be richer than ever before. Mark my words—this is bigger than Tesla, bigger than Amazon, even bigger than Truth Social.”
The IPO was the largest ever recorded, raising trillions of dollars within minutes. Institutions, retail investors, and even sovereign wealth funds rushed to buy in, believing that a stake in the United States was the ultimate long-term investment.
Donald Trump, seeing the opening price surge, celebrated by declaring himself “the best economic strategist of all time” and proposing a new system in which Americans receive citizenship based on how many shares they own.
“People say birthright citizenship is a problem. Well, guess what? We’re fixing it. From now on, if you own at least 10 shares of ‘USA,’ congratulations, you’re a citizen! It’s tremendous!”
For a brief moment, Wall Street and the political establishment basked in the IPO’s apparent success. Then, the bombshell dropped.
China Quietly Buys Majority Stake – America Now Under New Management
Mere hours after the IPO launch, financial analysts discovered a disturbing trend—China had bought so many shares that it now effectively owned the United States.
By the time government officials noticed, it was too late. Beijing had acquired a controlling 51 percent stake, making the USA its newest state-owned enterprise.
Trump, watching the breaking news from his penthouse, reportedly turned pale before shouting:
“Wait… WHAT?! No. No, no, no. We’re not doing this. This is fake news. Somebody shut down the stock exchange! Where’s my phone?!”
Frantic calls to Wall Street executives confirmed that, yes, China had lawfully acquired a majority stake in the United States under the very free-market system Trump had just spent hours praising.
President Xi Jinping wasted no time addressing the situation, calmly stating:
“We have long been patient. America chose capitalism, and we simply played by its rules. Now, as the largest shareholder, we will ensure better governance. First order of business: Congress will now be a single committee, and all meetings will be 20 minutes or less.”
Trump’s Emergency Response: Destroy America Before China Can Profit
Enraged, Trump immediately called for an “economic doomsday protocol”—pushing the country into intentional bankruptcy.
“If they think they can just buy America, I say NO DEAL. We’re going to crash this thing before they make a cent. Tariffs on everyone. Tariffs on Canada, tariffs on Mexico, tariffs on Florida if I have to! Nobody wins if America goes down!”
Wall Street analysts noted that this was already Trump’s existing trade policy, just executed at a faster pace.
“He’s basically running America like an activist short-seller at this point,” explained a Morgan Stanley economist. “He’s taking the ‘If I can’t have it, nobody can’ approach, which, to be fair, is consistent with his entire business career.”
Further Disaster: Jim Cramer Declares USA Stock ‘Doomed,’ Which Means It’s About to Skyrocket
Just when the situation couldn’t get worse, CNBC’s Jim Cramer went live with an emergency broadcast, declaring the U.S. stock a disaster.
“SELL, SELL, SELL! America is FINISHED! This is the worst investment since Enron! I wouldn’t touch this stock with a ten-foot pole!”
This immediately caused a record-setting rally, as traders realized that Cramer is almost always wrong.
Trump, watching the broadcast in real-time, lost his temper completely.
“NO, NO, NO! Jim, you idiot! We need this stock to DIE, not MOON! You’re supposed to be wrong about EVERYTHING, why did you have to be wrong NOW?!”
As a result, China’s investment in America became even more profitable.
Cathie Wood Joins the Chaos With a ‘Brilliant’ Investment Thesis
As markets spiraled, famed speculative investor Cathie Wood saw an opportunity.
ARK Invest bought billions of dollars’ worth of ‘USA’ stock, with Wood declaring:
“America is now a high-risk, high-growth emerging market. It belongs in my portfolio next to Bitcoin, Tesla, and that random AI stock I found on Twitter yesterday.”
When asked about the U.S. national debt, Wood dismissed the concern:
“Debt is just a narrative. America is now a disruptor. If we rebrand it as a blockchain-powered AI nation, we can 10x GDP by next quarter.”
Markets immediately became even more unstable as retail investors flooded into U.S. stock, believing America was the next Web3 opportunity.
Final Outcome: The U.S. Becomes a Meme Stock, and Reality Collapses
At this point, economists gave up entirely, as the valuation of “USA” stock became detached from all known financial principles.
- The U.S. Treasury announced a stock buyback program, but only after checking with China for permission.
- Congress debated whether to nationalize America’s shares, before realizing that would require competence.
- Retail traders pushed ‘USA’ stock to all-time highs, before selling everything to buy even more shares of GameStop.
At press time, Donald Trump was seen pacing back and forth in Mar-a-Lago, furiously trying to figure out how to short the entire country without technically committing treason.
Meanwhile, China was reportedly considering an “America 2.0” rebrand, promising to make governance “more efficient and slightly less embarrassing.”
Craving more news? Joe Biden launches a new business venture, while Elon Musk’s X lands a high-profile key account.
