WASHINGTON, D.C. – The global trade war has taken an unexpected and unprecedented turn, as U.S. President Donald Trump has now threatened the kingdom of Gondor with tariffs.
„Gondor has been taking advantage of us for years, and quite frankly, we’re not going to stand for it anymore,“ Donald Trump stated on a press conference in the White House. „They send us nothing, absolutely nothing, and yet we give them all this free publicity. It’s a horrible deal. One of the worst deals. I asked, where was Gondor when the Westfold fell? No answer. Sad!“
Middle-earth in Shock
The announcement sent ripples through middle-earth, with Rivendell stock markets crashing by 10% and Mordor’s steel industry reportedly celebrating the move. Saruman, who some sources claim is operating a consulting firm out of Silicon Valley, welcomed the tariffs, stating, „Gondor’s trade policies have been questionable for centuries. I warned them. They didn’t listen.“
Political Fallout
The move has drawn criticism from both parties. Chuck Schumer called it „a dangerous precedent in international diplomacy with fictional entities.“ Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, eager to one-up Donald Trump, declared that he would „build a great, great wall around Mordor, and make Sauron pay for it.“
Fox News, however, defended Donald Trump’s stance, arguing, „If we don’t act now, Rohan will be next. And do we really want Rohan taking our jobs?“
What’s Next?
Economic analysts are struggling to assess the potential impact of a trade war with a fictional kingdom. Some fear that should Trump escalate further, Narnia or even Hogwarts could be next on his target list.
When asked for further details, Trump doubled down on his stance: „We have the best tariffs. Nobody does tariffs like me. And Gondor? It’s not sending us its best.“
Middle-earth representatives remain unavailable for negotiations, largely due to the fact that they are, indeed, fictional.
Craving more news? Greenland throws the U.S. into a full-blown state of emergency, while Warren Buffett goes all-in on a highly unorthodox cryptocurrency.
