PALO ALTO, CA – In a desperate attempt to salvage his reputation after his widely condemned salute, Elon Musk has announced a new breakthrough from Neuralink: a brain implant specifically designed to prevent “accidental” hand gestures that may be interpreted as problematic.
Dubbed the “Ethical Motion Control Chip”, the device supposedly detects and neutralizes any undesirable movements before they happen. To prove its effectiveness, Elon Musk has volunteered to be the first human test subject, offering himself as a “walking demonstration” of responsible behavior.
“This chip is going to revolutionize personal conduct,” Musk declared at a press conference. “With Neuralink, we can finally ensure that your hands don’t do things you don’t want them to do – like knock over your coffee, drop your phone, or accidentally make gestures that get you banned from polite society.”
How It Works: Neuralink’s ‘Gesture Correction’ Technology
According to Neuralink engineers, the chip monitors neural activity in real-time, identifying movements that may be socially or politically problematic. If a user’s hand begins to rise beyond an acceptable angle, the chip sends an immediate signal to the nervous system, forcing the arm to awkwardly flail in a different direction.
“Let’s say you’re at a rally, and suddenly you get the urge to raise your hand a little too high,” explained a Neuralink spokesperson. “This chip will intervene instantly, redirecting that energy into a more neutral movement—like a casual thumbs-up, a peace sign, or, if the situation is truly dire, an emergency jazz hands maneuver.”
Musk further demonstrated the chip live on stage, attempting to lift his right hand before his arm violently jerked to the left and gave a perfect Miss America wave instead.
“See? Problem solved,” he said, grinning. “No more unfortunate misunderstandings.”
The Market Reacts: Investors Approve, But Users Are Skeptical
Despite the controversy surrounding Musk, Neuralink’s stock surged 40% after the announcement, with investors calling it a “game-changer” for high-profile figures prone to public blunders.
However, early beta testers reported strange side effects, including:
- Spontaneous handshakes during awkward silences
- Involuntary clapping at inappropriate moments
- Uncontrollable thumbs-ups while receiving bad news
One tester even claimed that the chip forced him to salute every time he walked past a Tesla dealership, leading to confusion among bystanders.
Government Interest: “Can We Install This in Congress?”
Following the demonstration, U.S. lawmakers expressed interest in mandating the chip for politicians, particularly during live debates, press conferences, and State of the Union addresses.
“Frankly, this could prevent 90% of our scandals,” admitted one senator. “If we can get this into Congress before the next election, we might actually look like functioning adults.”
The White House is also considering Neuralink as a possible alternative to social media censorship, allowing officials to block problematic gestures in real time instead of dealing with PR crises after the fact.
Final Outcome: Musk Declares Victory, Forgets to Disable Chip
At the end of the event, Musk declared the Neuralink test a massive success, though he appeared unable to stop waving at the audience as he exited the stage.
As reporters shouted follow-up questions about his recent controversies, Musk’s right hand attempted to cover his mouth, but the chip instead forced him into a double thumbs-up pose.
Neuralink engineers have since promised a firmware update to fix the bug, while Musk has declined to comment further – though he did accidentally give reporters a cheerful military salute on his way out.
Craving more news? Greenland throws the U.S. into a full-blown state of emergency, while Warren Buffett goes all-in on a highly unorthodox cryptocurrency.
