WASHINGTON, D.C. – Faced with mounting inflation, global economic instability, and an ongoing egg supply crisis, the Federal Reserve has announced it is “seriously considering” replacing the U.S. dollar’s current fiat backing with eggs.
Speaking at an emergency press conference, Fed Chair Jerome Powell defended the idea, claiming that “gold is outdated, Bitcoin is unreliable, and eggs have proven to be the only asset Americans truly value.”
“The economy has evolved,” Powell explained. “Historically, we’ve tied currency to gold, then later to abstract government guarantees. But what does every American actually care about? Eggs. That’s where real financial stability is.”
The Birth of the ‘Egg Standard’
Under the new system, the value of the U.S. dollar would no longer be dictated by federal debt, interest rates, or market speculation, but instead by the average price of a dozen eggs.
- One U.S. dollar would now be equivalent to exactly one-eighteenth of an egg.
- Bank reserves would be converted into ‘egg vaults,’ replacing Fort Knox’s gold reserves with refrigerated poultry storage.
- All existing dollar bills would be recalled and reissued as ‘Egg-Backed Notes,’ featuring a large, government-certified yolk watermark.
“Americans don’t want digital coins or complicated monetary theories,” said Powell. “They want tangible, edible wealth. And under the Egg Standard, they’ll have it.”
How It Will Work: The Federal Egg Reserve
The U.S. Treasury has confirmed that, should the policy be enacted, the Federal Reserve will store and maintain a national egg supply in underground, temperature-controlled facilities.
- Farmers will be paid in Egg Bonds, which can be redeemed for real currency or store credit at participating grocery chains.
- The Fed will regulate ‘egg interest rates,’ deciding how many eggs should be printed—or rather, laid—into circulation each year.
- Citizens will have the option to convert cash savings into egg-backed accounts, ensuring their money keeps up with poultry-based inflation.
“For centuries, people doubted the gold standard, and look how that turned out,” Powell noted. “Why shouldn’t the next global reserve asset be something you can scramble, fry, or poach?”
Wall Street Reacts: Egg Trading Frenzy Ensues
Following the announcement, financial markets descended into chaos, as investors rushed to secure egg reserves before the transition.
- Hedge funds aggressively shorted the dollar, believing the ‘Egg Standard’ will push traditional cash into worthlessness.
- Gold prices collapsed overnight, as traders liquidated their bullion holdings in favor of farm shares.
- Crypto bros pivoted from Bitcoin to poultry, declaring eggs ‘the only true decentralized asset.’
“I used to invest in Bitcoin, but you can’t make a decent omelet out of Bitcoin,” said one former crypto investor. “Eggs have real utility.”
Meanwhile, McDonald’s announced it will begin listing its Egg McMuffin prices in “Egg-Backed Dollars,” while Starbucks unveiled a new “Yolk Membership” for elite customers with at least six whole eggs in liquid assets.
International Response: Global Markets Panic
As the U.S. moves toward an egg-backed economy, world leaders are scrambling—literally—to secure their own egg reserves.
- China has already stockpiled 500 million eggs, with President Xi Jinping stating that “monetary dominance belongs to those with the strongest omelets.”
- The European Union has issued emergency legislation, allowing member states to classify chickens as “strategic economic assets.”
- Elon Musk has announced plans to create “EggCoin,” claiming that his “Tesla Egg Farm” will become the “most advanced poultry blockchain in the world.”
The Fed’s Final Warning
While Congress has yet to approve the full transition, Powell has warned that if inflation continues to rise, the shift to the Egg Standard may be inevitable.
“We already tried printing more money,” he reminded the public. “Maybe it’s time to start printing more eggs instead.”
At press time, the White House was reportedly considering emergency stimulus checks—paid directly in cartons of eggs— as a way to ease the financial burden on struggling Americans.
Craving more news? Meanwhile, Donald Trump seizes control of the church, while Elon Musk unveils a scandalous new Tesla model.
